living in my head is far more entertaining than one would think.

what do i want?
what...do...i...want?
this blog used to be so much easier to write when i had a funny story to convey. life has been far less hilarious lately.

i don't mean that to be depressing, because it isn't. i would much prefer normality to being bitten in a car randomly or being told that someone is taking a vow of personal celibacy. i really would. half of me kind of wants to drop that dude a line and ask how his celibacy is going.

i feel as though someone spun me around in a bunch of circles, let me fall over a bunch of times and then when i finally recovered, they just pushed me in a random direction. (this is obviously a lame analogy if you know me at all, but that's neither here nor there) so as i'm stumbling about, gathering my bearings... i find that i'm nowhere close to where i started and nowhere close to anyone else. it's kind of lonely over here.

i'm surrounded by people who have their lives together. two of the people i adore most in the world are happily married and are planning babies in the next few years. damn near everyone on my ball team this year had kids under 2. and i'm nowhere near there yet.

and y'know, i know i shouldn't compare myself to others. i know that. i do. promise.

hrm. this was supposed to help me. i just feel worse now. rawr. ok, carry on.

*dusts this thing off*

...hello? hello...? anyone out there? is this thing still on?

oh good.

because i need it to be.

so, the last entry ended all warm & fuzzy, didn't it? yeah, it did. i was very sincerely hoping for my happily ever after. on paper, it was perfect.

ah, but therein lies the rub. nothing's perfect. least of all me. and i'm not sure if my head or my heart sabotaged this one, but here i am today feeling like a giant jerk about the whole situation. i can't quite put my finger on it. he's beautiful. he's sweet. he'll treat me like a princess. and yet, it wasn't what i wanted.

so, the question remains: what do i want?

fuck if i know.

well, that was unexpected.

i've typed and retyped this particular entry a few different times now. i wasn't really sure about the approach i wanted to take to it. i've basically decided i'm going to tell the story, to begin with at least, using just the facts.

fact #1. i got sick of plentyoffish and signed up for okcupid online dating. it's similar to eharmony in that you take a personality type quiz and it matches you with individuals who are similar to you. it's different in that it doesn't suck. i've heard stories of success from all sites, but one thing i've learned from online dating is that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.

fact #2. i was matched at 96% with someone. that alone got my attention. then i read his profile & looked at his pictures. yep, definitely someone i was interested in knowing more about - if nothing else, than for the simple fact that technically the website matches you with yourself at 96%. i composed a witty email, sent it off and ... got no reply. for a month. i wrote him off. ;)

fact #3. i met two fantastic guys in the meantime. had a few dates, had a few beers, had a generally awesome last half of may, save for some drama involving the "grass is greener" post that i never finished. i should finish that at some point.

fact #4. i finally receive a message from 96% boy. he's written an email with coherent sentences. i decide to forgive him for the month of non-replying. we talk on msn. he rocks. he's nerdy, he's sweet, he's funny. we then discover that we've basically been stalking each other for the past ten years without knowing the other person existed. it becomes weird to a point of me questioning my belief in the universe having a point to all this chaos. but i digress.

fact #5. the following pieces of information are true: a) we went to the same high school. he just graduated the year before i got there. b) we know a few of the same people. c) he was a drum n bass raver around the same time i was working at Dom's shows. d) he was at NiN, Muse, countless Mac Hall shows that i've worked/attended. e) he lived on the street i just moved off of, 6 years before i lived there. f) his mother worked with my stepfather not too long ago. g) the kicker: he's a roofer and has been working on top of my office building for the past 4 weeks or so. we should've met each other 90 million times over and it brings new meaning to the cliche, "where have you been all my life?"

fact #6. it's going to be really, really, really easy for me to slide into mushville, so i'm going to restrain myself.

fact #7. i didn't want a relationship. the idea of being someone's girlfriend again made me want to change the subject and go make out with a random person in the bar. i was really digging the freedom to be able to do that. i was originally aiming for more than 6 months of single-dom. flash forward to this goofy dirty roofer walking into my office to say hey and all i can see are his bright blue eyes and i'm done. it's game over. i'm telling all casual fwbs that i've met someone. i'm giggling when he calls. i'm using the word "twitterpated" in sentences on public forums.

fact #8. i've never met anyone like him.

fact #9, and probably the most important fact of all. i'm going to need to think up a new topic of discussion for this blog.

the universe is a cruel mistress.

the grass is greener on the other side. you always want what you can't have. insert other cliched phrase here.

i can't decide if i believe in fate or if i've just created these circumstances in my own head. i don't think i believe in fate. i'm pretty sure i don't, at least.

however, i've met three incredible men in the past few months and i can't be with them, save for one. if i believed in this fate stuff, i'd be thinking that the universe was dangling them in front of me as if to say, "look what you could have! but wait, you can't. neener neener neener." yeah, in my head fate is like an eight year old sibling that you just want to slap. it's fun in my head. promise.

EDIT - y'know what? i don't even care. maybe i'll rewrite this at some point.

check in with you?!

i decided to turn this summer into "cait's official summer of ridiculousness" by signing on to work 2 part-time jobs, play on a ball team and maintain a 9-5 work week. i knew when i got into this that it wouldn't leave much room for a social life, although i maintain that if i want to see you, i will make time for you. there are also plenty of off weeks, where i don't have too much going on. i figured it'd be good for the bank account for the fall, as well as good for me to get out there and keep busy. meeting new people and learning new things is also a good choice.

i have been on a few dates lately, and have been absolutely upfront and honest about my ridiculous schedule. the bonus is that it sort of gives me an out if i don't want to see the guy again, and it seems to have been working fairly well. i don't like to lie, really. and one might ask, "well, cait, if you know you're going to be so busy, why agree to go out with these guys?" and it's a valid question. i've asked it of myself as well. i think the answer is that i still want to meet someone and in the meantime i am filling my life with things that i enjoy. it's alright to be selfish.

i had a fairly busy weekend last week. being the long weekend, lots of stuff popped up - BBQs, drinks, dinners, the island themed Lost finale party @ my mom's. y'know, stuff i love with people i love more! the phone wasn't always near me, and to be quite honest, i didn't feel like carrying on many text message conversations. i did manage to fit in one date with ... let's call him, party guy, for reasons i shall explain later. and i'll talk about him later too.

but throughout all this, i keep receiving text messages from this one guy in particular. now, we went out for coffee two weekends ago and then went for a walk in eau claire. there was no spark. sweet guy, but very very awkward. i worry that he hasn't seen the light of day in awhile, other than to go to work. i gave him a hug goodbye at the end of it, knowing that i had absolutely no intention of seeing him again. maybe i should have been a bit more obvious about it, because he continued to message me and chat. and i'm friendly. but yeah, busy. really really really busy.

so he catches me on msn last night. and he asks how my weekend was. "awesome!" i reply. "yeah," he says. "i thought you would've texted more." "well, y'know, i had a lot going on," i reply.

and then he comes out with - and this is absolutely classic.

"well, it'd be nice if you checked in with me once in awhile so i know that you're busy."

y..yeah? you mean, like i would do if we were in a relationship?

"well, i'm not exactly going to give up up-to-the-minute status updates, now am i?" i say.

"not minute by minute," he replies.

"that's a little unfair to expect at this stage of the game." ONE DATE. one date, kids.

i know that i'm irresistible and all but for fuck's sake. and to his credit, maybe i wasn't as clear with him as i should have been. maybe he was still holding out hope that there'd be a date #2. le sigh.

now - why can't the guys i'm actually interested in be all available and not frustrating? oh yeah, because then i probably wouldn't like them.

ok, not really. it's just an odd pattern in my life.

side note: blog-writing to beethoven is pretty much the best thing ever. i am furiously typing at my keyboard and there is music swirling around my head. there is something about this music that fills me up completely and makes me forget myself.

the dating pool in calgary is shrinking...

k, so about ... hrm... 8 years ago, i believe, i volunteered at my first Rez party doing security and door entries. for those who don't know, Rez parties were raves thrown by Lucie and the Sublink crew. she's one of those responsible for keeping a dying scene alive back in the day, and her parties were loud and full of ridiculousness. prior to this event, i had a few people come up to me and say "oh hey Megan." or just smile and nod as if they knew me. um, not Megan, dudes. perplexing!

imagine my surprise when i walk into this Rez party and bump headfirst into my doppleganger. y'know how sometimes people say, "oh hey, you look like [so and so]." and then you meet that so and so and are completely confused. why on earth do you think that person looks like me?

well, with Megan it's no joke. save for the fact that she's ... (i don't wanna sell you short here, kiddo) a good 6 inches shorter than me. she posted a couple of pictures once and it was incredibly confusing - "what the... i don't remember that photo being taken?!" oh wait. it's not me.

and aside from looking like me (or me like her, depending on which one of us you ask), she's actually pretty darn cool. we're hardly the same person, but we are into a few of the same things. comics, electronica, nerdy pasttimes, y'know, the usual. and we've become friends over the years, which is pretty neat actually.

and, y'know, as friends do - we talk about boys. we discover along the way that we have dated 4 of the same boys at various different times with varying levels of seriousness. 4. this is a rather large number, particularly given that we don't hang out very often and the timing has been random at best.

it's become very apparent that we are into the same "types" of dudes, and those dudes are into the same "types" of chicks. go f'n figure.

i had a point to all this, but i got lost in telling the story so i'm going to end it without a point.


EDIT - 5! 5 of the same boys. O_o

the perfect man...

teehee. my mom sent me this one.
although, i suppose you could argue that men would wait just as long for the perfect woman.
i don't believe in perfection, but i am creating a mental list of "must-haves" before i hop into anything serious.
maintaining multiple crushes on multiple different people at any given moment is entertaining me far more than anything else at this moment. ;)

i think i'm getting a little jaded.

i used to care so much when i was setting up these first date meet up thingies. for the last few, i've realized that the excitement is just plain missing. i'm not sure if that's because i've changed my strategy and no longer spend hours texting/messaging the person before i meet up with them and thereby no longer create this fantasy person in my head and become sorely disappointed with the reality of them OR (wow this is a long sentence but i'm gonna keep going with it) if the people i'm agreeing to meet just don't spark my interest as much as they should be.

if it's the first, then that's fair enough. if it's the second, though, then i'm starting to question why i'm bothering. i know i'm not going to want to pursue something serious with these guys. i'm wondering if it's fair to them, because they are simply seeking love like the rest of us. if i have no intention of sleeping with them or becoming more than friends... is it fair?

things to think about, anyway.

the flip side to this pure selfishness is that i am happier now than i have been in a really long time. i'm taking care of myself. i'm meeting new (and totally fantastic) people from different walks of life. i'm expanding my horizons. i'm doing things i never could have pictured myself doing and still have no idea how i'd follow through on (more on that at a later time). my life isn't perfect, but i am absolutely capable of mastering my own destiny. let's hope i can hang onto this.

insert /mush here

my quote of the day yesterday was: "he makes colors look brighter."

d'aww. this person deserves all the happiness in the world and i'm so happy for her. just wanted to share.


...EAVB_LJIQLNIPRD

...does that work?

the best date i've ever had...

i was thinking about all the dates i've been on recently, and the ones that have turned into relationships didn't always begin as momentous occasions. it got me to thinking, though, about the very best ones - the ones that make your heart flutter, your hormones go bananas and leave you with that silly grin all over your face.

i was trying to explain this feeling to my mom one time, and i was trying to say that it was like getting "weak in the knees" but my tongue got tangled and it came out as "neek in the wees." it's that ridiculous infatuation that is totally impractical and not based in reality at all - because we all know real relationships require work and aren't always about joy and giggles.

the first time i felt this, i was a teenager. the date in question occurred just after he had spent a month in europe traveling around. we had only sort of been seeing each other and so the month away was just a solid reminder of how much i wanted to learn about him. we met downtown on 8th ave, and as soon as he came into view my heart soared. i felt my first taste of love at that moment. we spent the day wandering around eau claire, participating in a clown's street performance, laughing and talking and getting lost in each other. almost a decade later, it still stands out as one of my favorite days of all time. i miss that, and i always wonder what would've happened had i been honest from the start. a life lesson, anyway. honesty is the best policy.

i digress. the second time i felt it was when i was standing in the yyc airport waiting on someone i had never met to come out from behind the arrivals gate. i know, i know. how can you love someone you've never met? to this day, i still maintain that you need touch and smell and reality to ensure that the love is real, but that infatuation from the fantasy is real enough. when he walked out from behind the frosted glass door, and kissed me full on the lips without a single word - time stood still. literally. i felt nothing but his touch on mine, and the world melted away completely. this is an experience i've never felt again. and sadly, once the week was up, we both realized that our lives were too detached to ever make a relationship work... but it was a beautiful vacation.

and i've had some pretty wicked dates lately, don't get me wrong. there's just nothing particularly note worthy or story-esque about them. i love love, though. i love being twitterpated. and i love when that fades and nothing is left but the bickering and the teasing and the cuddling.

i need to stop watching love actually. ><.

i don't believe in soulmates...but sometimes...

someone told me once that if there is one person in a million out there for you, that means you have somewhere in the area of 6500 possibilities! more and more i don't believe that there is just one person who compliments you; rather, i believe that many people compliment you in different ways. your task, then, is to find the person who fits your criteria best and then you have to make a partnership work. and it's not easy. blending personalities together to a common goal can prove to be a rather difficult task. sometimes, too, despite working hard to make a relationship successful can end up taking your life in a different direction. the point is, you just never know.

and then sometimes... you meet people who just seem to work together.

i went for dinner last night with a couple who met when they were about twelve. they were married when she was twenty and he was nineteen (he's six months younger than her, as he gently teases). they've been together now for twenty nine years.

and he still looks at her with love in his eyes. i'm sure they know everything there is to know about each other. they've braved immigrating to a new country. they've got two kids. and while i'm absolutely certain that it is no picnic and that things are never as they seem, i can sense the love that they still share for each other.

i wonder if they've ever thought about being with other people. i wonder if either of them has ever cheated or thought about it. i mean, we all think about it. and as he confesses, if a particular blonde celebrity ever asked him out i know he'd go. i don't think she'd hold that against him, though.

ah well. the point is - love does exist. i'll find it. yup, yup.

lists.

when i was meeting up with the ex to get my super nintendo and give his damage deposit back, he mentioned that he was out at costco with his new girlfriend going shopping for food and it reminded me of all the things i missed about being in a relationship - not with him in particular, but just all those day-to-day things that i've now taken on by myself.

so, in no real order, here are the top five things i miss about being in a relationship:

::grocery shopping -- trading off the grocery bill, choosing food for dinners, mocking his choice of cereal.
::cooking dinner together. there's something really sweet about bonding over sliced vegetables.
::always having someone to cuddle with on the couch. i am seriously, seriously missing the cuddles. the problem with cuddling when there is no steady relationship is that it tends to be overrun by hormones and gets derailed into another thing entirely.
::couples nights. given that my bestest friends are coupled, i end up feeling like the fifth wheel when we want to invite their (wonderful) men along.
::"love you bye" to end phone conversations. "love you have a good day" kisses on the forehead in the morning. "love you have a good sleep" before i close my eyes. telling the cat that i love him doesn't have the same effect.


to balance this, here are the top five things i absolutely don't miss about being in a relationship.

::compromising. no, i don't mind that you want to play street fighter for hours on end when i would really much rather be watching judge judy. no i don't mind that you're still playing left 4 dead when i told you we had to leave 5 minutes ago to go to my mom's house for dinner. no i don't mind hanging out with your friends tonight to watch ufc. don't get me wrong - i appreciate that compromise is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work. it sure is nice to not have to though.
::sock balls, or stinky work boots, or some other such gross boy thing that seems to be left around the house. every man (roommate or lover) i've ever lived with seems to leave sock balls around. i get that you want your socks off after a long day, but ffs, leave those things in the bedroom. they breed, y'know.
::guilt-free girls nights. yep, i want to go dancing with the girls. nope, i don't want to pick up a dude. sometimes you need to just let go and you don't want to be checking your phone every two seconds. i might come home, i might not. who knows? who cares? i can take care of myself, thanks.
::the remote is mine! yep, mine. all mine.
::filling my life with work is completely acceptable. there's no "we never spend enough time together" discussions and there's never any need to try to rearrange my sleep schedule so that i can see you for 20 minutes here and there. i am answerable only to myself. i can play ball all weekend, i can work 3 jobs, i can volunteer.

hrmph.

i still miss cuddles, though. not kidding on that point.

i want YOUR stories.

it occurs to me that i made that last post at exactly 4:20 pm. how random of me. do you ever find yourself noticing 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, 10:10, 11:11, 12:12, etc on the clock and smiling to yourself? i used to make wishes. they were silly wishes, like, i hope when i come home my laundry pile will have disappeared or that the milk in the fridge that i know is expired will magically have extended its best before date so that i may enjoy a glas? god, i'm bad for leaving milk in the fridge for too long. that was one thing the ex was good for - we always had fresh milk in the house.

so - happy news. my super nintendo has returned itself to me. we immediately hooked it up and i know dani played around with super mario brothers. as soon as i get a spare moment to myself i'm going to play donkey kong country 2 - the one with diddy and the girl whose pony tail flips her around like a helicopter. that is one talent i am seriously jealous of. if given the choice between throwing barrels with my tail, and throwing them with my ponytail.. well, let's just say it isn't really much of a choice.

i went out with a friend for a drink last night and got to discussing this ol' blog of mine and the idea was tossed around that i should open it up to the rest of the world and collect stories. the online dating phenomenon has really only been around for a decade or so, perhaps more if you count message boards and basic chatrooms. i would argue that it hit mainstream popularity the moment eHarmony decided to start advertising on television. (ps - as if those people are that happy!)

and as my mother so kindly pointed out, bad dates have been around since the dawn of time. whether you're set up by a family member, or a friend, or a click of a mouse... we've all had our share of bad dates.

and so i'm wondering now - i want to hear YOUR stories. this isn't to say that mine are going to stop (in fact, i've got one set up fairly quickly here. let's call him The Physicist.) but i want to see just how many bad date stories that i can compile, with a special focus on online dating adventures. i want to hear every gruesome detail. i want to hear about the girl who wanted to have your babies two minutes after meeting you. i want to hear about the guy who had the worst body odor imaginable. i want to hear everything. so drop me an email (caitfgb@gmail.com) and we'll see what we come up with. i promise that names will be altered as necessary, so just let me know what you do and don't want shared.

and, of course, i'll let you know what happens with the Physicist. =P

love is a sneaky sneaky thing

oh dear sweet internets, how i have missed you.

it's one thing to play on facebook and email on my phone, but writing an entire blog entry on the iPhone is really just an exercise in futility. the auto-correct feature on it makes for fun times.

for those who don't know, i packed my entire life into a 14" cube van and moved a grand total of 10 kms down the hill into a beautiful condo building downtown. so far the place is marvelous, minus the drama that came with the move. i suppose relationships are always strained during stressful times, but i was blindsided by a few issues that i didn't see coming. i suppose that's why they call it "being blindsided." durr.

anyway.

this blog entry isn't going to be about a wild and crazy date - mainly because i haven't had time to breathe, let alone meet someone and go for a drink. it isn't going to be about the fact that i had dinner with my ex recently, either, because i don't particularly feel like sharing that story.

this post is simply to thank the beautiful people in my life right now who gave up their time and energy to help me out over the past couple of weeks. i never fully appreciated that i have surrounded myself with people who balance me and complete me in so many different ways. and when i was at my most stressed out, the most unexpected people came out of nowhere to my rescue. i will never, ever forget it. from the twitter guy who lent me boxes, to sunday guy giving up a holiday-day, to my mom babysitting my kitties, to my boss offering to trade sponsorship deals for moving assistance, or the lax player who was going to bring his team by, my season ticket holder who brought her sons to help unpack, or my best girlfriends for lending me towels and box office help... the list goes on. i adore each and every one of you and i am so lucky to have you in my life. i hope that some day i can repay the favor and know that any time you need me, i'll be there.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

like mother, like daughter

i shared my blog address with my mom the other day, and she emailed me to tell me about this gem of a blind date she had in 1976 when she was 24. i figured it was too good not to share, as it really seems as though nothing ever changes. you sure do have to kiss a lot of toads until you find your prince, and even then, sometimes he steals your car.

Did I ever tell you my blind date story with the 50 year old (I was 24)? He showed up in a blue volkswagen beetle, sporting lots of grey hair and love beads. We were going to dinner and I was dressed to the 9’s. We get in the car – already I’m ready to go home – and he announces that we are going to Swiss Chalet for dinner. Not what I was expecting, and of course I was hopelessly overdressed. So we go to Swiss Chalet and he says would you like some wine? I have no clue what goes all that well with SC Chicken, but wotthehell sure. He orders a bottle of Mateus. OMFG. I know I have to get out of here, so as soon as I can politely do so, I say that I would like to go home. As we leave the restaurant, he phones a buddy to say “well bombed out – I won’t be getting any tonight”.. I want to scream, punch his old face, and walk home, but Yonge Street at night even in 1976 was not a place to walk alone.

angry face

i told several people close to me about the excuse given by blue eyed guy last night and was greeted in all instances by some serious laughter. i mean, my friends were sympathetic to my case, but as @poploser said, "i don't mean to laugh... but make no mistake, i am laughing." upon further reflection, it is absolutely ridiculous, isn't it? over text message, no less.

ok, cool. back to the drawing board.

i went out for dinner last night with the sole person i met over eHarmony. i think i might scrap dinner from my list of date ideas, because most of the time i end up with food down my shirt or on my shirt or something equally embarrassing. none of that actually happened though last night, but it's just always a concern in the back of my mind. i think the remarkable thing about this date was just how unremarkable it was. he was so sweet, and a little shy, and he paid for dinner and we managed to keep up a pretty decent conversation throughout the meal and everything just kind of flowed.

i mention it because i hope that he gives me another chance - my heart was still distracted by blue eyed guy (which is part of the reason why i texted him last night and the whole issue exploded) and i don't know that i put as much of myself into the date as i could've.

and i've been thinking about it all day - it's getting really hard to keep putting this much of myself on the line. i want to give each guy a fresh chance, because it's not fair to hold onto any sort of baggage and throw it on them. and i want to keep meeting new people because being proactive about things has always been the way i approach my life. but it's getting really hard to have the same old "so where did you grow up? do you have siblings? are you close with your parents?" conversations. while yes, i do want to know all these factoids, they make for easy conversation and that's not what i want. i know you have to take baby steps when you first meet someone because to launch into politics and religion right away could make for a fiesty conversation. honestly, though, that's what i want. i want real. i want someone to call me on my bullshit. i don't like playing the whole "must put my best face forward" game, because it ends up just feeling like a job interview. i'm not sure how to make that whole thing work though.

meh.

even if i fall flat on my face, i'm still moving forward. blue eyed guy chapter? closed.

a personal vow of celibacy?!

...have to say, that's gotta be the most unique "i'm just not that into you" line i've ever heard.

i had more to say on this. i'm fucking irritated, so it's probably best to not share what i'm really thinking at the moment. fuck you blue eyed guy. playing with my heart is so not ok.

he's just not that into you

part of this whole dating adventure has been to rebuild confidence in myself, particularly in my looks. i remember once the ex mentioned that he really didn't like when i would get home and change into my sweat pants & t-shirt and it made it so that he wasn't really attracted to me. he also would mention quite frequently how fat he thought i was - and not really in a way intended to be insulting. but it's hard to know that the person who supposedly loves you thinks anything other than that you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

now, i know i'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. this isn't news to me. i won't ever be a stereotypical "10." and y'know what? i'm ok with that. i have a bazillion other things going for me. i'm tall. i've got great boobs. i'm smart. i'm witty. sometimes. i entertain myself, at least. but being a skinny model-esque girl is not part of my future. and that's fine. it really is.

what i'm done with, though, is being the fat chick.

i've managed to figure out something that is going to work for me - and i've got a plan to pursue that goal. i'll get there. i am just feeling like this shell that i've been living in isn't reflecting the real me - and while it's not all about getting a man, because it's not, i just feel as though people aren't giving me a real chance because of the way i look and it's affecting my confidence levels.

i'm adding to my list of things that the perfect man possesses though - and one of those is that the perfect man will think i am absolutely at my sexiest in my freakin' sweatpants.

......just as long as i don't wear them out to walmart. =P

starbucks guy : the finale

so i confirmed today via my new twitter buddy (thx again @twowheelgeek) that the note was indeed delivered to starbucks guy, and no i have not yet received a phone call. ah well. i still don't regret doing it. hopefully he enjoyed his coffee, and at least now i know right? yep. now i know.

it's tough not to get discouraged out there. i have encountered several men lately who have gotten close to me to only gain an introduction to several of my friends. i'm sure they'd deny it if i flat out asked, but being smarter than your average bear, i can pretty much see right through it. and while we're all just out there to meet "the one" i think it's really shallow to hurt someone along the way to get there.

i was really going to try to make this entry a bit more positive, but i'm really cranky today and i can't quite put my finger on why. i think the issue is more just frustration with the rest of my life, so it's putting a damper on my attempt at being light hearted and uplifting when it comes to the dating world. and that's fair enough. you can't be positive all the time, and as long as you don't drag others down with you i think it's acceptable from time to time.

unrelated side note: i need my dating magician to come back, or at least pay attention to my emails. i need to go for a run & sweat a little. i need to hit up the batting cage and beat the crap out of some balls for an hour or so. i need to find out about the move-in date on this apartment, and i need my $395 back from the fucking furnace.

see? lots on my mind. i probably wouldn't be particularly good company for starbucks guy right now anyway, although truthfully, i don't know that we would need to talk.

HA.

on another unrelated side note: the ex (yeah, the ex) dropped me a text message after i ran headfirst into him at the game on friday up in edmonton. i ... am not sure why, although i found out that he and his new gf are no longer together. it's shocking how little this affects me, and i think (much to my happy surprise) that i am truly over him. i can say now that i learned a lot about myself and what i want out of a relationship. i am not ready to settle. and (this is assuming he gives me back my fucking super nintendo) i can say now that i truly wish him happiness in whatever path he chooses. i think this is what you call being healed. =)

half of me wonders if this doesn't have to do with the butterfly feeling i still get when blue eyed guy texts. the excitement of something new proves to be a good distraction. the other half of me knows better and is going to go for a run now.

kba.

the +1 problem

I was watching an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” the other day and the whole thing was about what happens when you’re single and you receive a wedding invitation. Inevitably there’s that little check box that you have to fill out in order to make sure that the wedding party can plan for the appropriate number of people. The check box of doom for singles. The episode highlighted that you have to think – “where am I going to be in 3 months? Am I going to have a +1? Am I going to be single? Do I check +1, and then risk showing up alone? But if I don’t check +1, and end up in a relationship 3 months from now, can I still bring that person?” the episode was hilarious.

But sure enough… I had that exact dilemma. One of my bestest friends in the whole world will be getting married in July, and while the invitation is a formality (as she knows I will be there with bells on!), there is still that blank check box. Oh, I battled with this one. Yes, I am confidently single right now. And truth be told, I have a few male friends who would be more than happy to be my platonic +1 should the need arise. All you’d have to do is mention free food and they’d be on board. I love them for that. So if, in 3 months, I am still single, I will probably be set. But there’s always that “what if” factor.

I suppose the same issue would apply if you were in a relationship and for whatever reason that relationship ended in between the time you checked off the +1 box. It’s all so damn complicated!

So, to my bestest friend, I checked off the +1 box (in cyberspace, but you get the point) in the hopes that this will work out in my favor. I bought a pretty dress and I can’t wait to see you and your lovely man tie the knot. Because, really, that’s what it’s all about.

I’m just more than a little selfish and that’s totally why you love me.

the danger with infatuation.

throughout this whole series of unfortunate dating events, i still maintain that it's better to put yourself out there and find someone to connect with - even if that connection ends with bite marks, or broken hearts.

several people have called me brave today for finally leaving the note for starbucks guy with the baristas. they seem to be on my side with the whole situation. i was terrified. i ended up just kind of mumbling the whole story out, and then leaving as soon as my drink was ready. i can only trust now that they will take pity on my poor flustered self and deliver the note & the coffee to him. bonus - i found out his name today. no, i'm not telling.

so. as the first paragraph stated, i still maintain that it's better to put yourself out there than not. and along with that comes my personal belief that honesty is always the best policy. if you are not into someone, like i was definitely not into "the experiment," it's best to just be upfront and tell him. he texted yesterday (shortly after i wrote the blog entry) asking me to go go-karting on thursday. i thanked him, and said that he wasn't what i was looking for and that i wished him good luck. i've received a similar text message myself. gentle, yet to the point. awesome.

the flip side to this honesty is that i also believe that if you're into someone, you should also tell them. the danger with this is that you are seriously opening up your heart to someone that you don't know very well and therefore cannot necessarily trust. your brain says "look before you leap, dumbass," and your heart is very clearly distracted by the bright blue eyes. the heart, and well, other body parts.

after an 8 hour date on sunday, i allowed my heart the satisfaction of skipping a beat whenever a text message popped up. i allowed my heart the joy of telling other people how i felt. i allowed my heart to set up a third date for last night. and, with all of that expectation built up in my head (who tends to just go along with the heart's desires - i need to look into that), i let myself be extremely disappointed when the date was cancelled last night with one of the usual blow off excuses.

i try to rationalize like most women. "oh, yeah, he could totally be tired." yeah. could be. but i know in my head (who tends to be the smart one in this relationship) that there's something else going on.

so the danger with infatuation is that when you let yourself go without regard for consequences, you can get pretty seriously hurt. yep. noted.

the thing is, though, that i'm still not entirely sure i would've done anything differently given the same set of circumstances. i still believe that holding your emotions back and playing games is detrimental, not to mention irritating. and blue eyed guy could just have been tired and he'll be texting or calling in a few days and we'll talk it out and laugh about it. or not. either way, i don't regret it!

and who knows? maybe starbucks guy won't think i'm a total psycho stalker and give me a call. or not! either way, i don't regret it.

=P

the experiment

there's the old cliche floating around out there that says, "when it rains, it pours." i always thought this was an odd saying, because most of the time (at least in calgary) it rains in varying degrees of wetness and i'd wager that most of those times it's not particularly pouring. i digress. given the dating drought for the past few weeks (and therefore a lack of blog entries), i decided to agree to go out on a date with two guys that i normally wouldn't agree to go out with, both for completely different reasons.

and weirdly, both of the dates occurred on the same night.

and even more weirdly, the second date was probably one of the most interesting dates i've ever had. i might talk about him later. to be quite honest, i am hoping that this one develops into something. in the meantime, though: here's the story of the first guy.

the reason that this guy was an experiment was that i didn't go through the normal "screening" steps i normally do. we didn't speak on the phone, we didn't text/msn for days on end. we exchanged a few emails, he asked me out for dinner and i accepted. boom. it felt kinda old school. we arranged to meet at tandoori hut for dinner. i love tandoori hut.

now, in my world, when you arrange to meet someone at 6:00, the ideal time to show up is 5:59. you're sliiiiiightly early, but mostly just on-time. so i arrive at 5:59 and no date. ok, cool. i get a table. i wait. 10 minutes goes by. i'm thinking to myself, "how long do i give this before i bail?" i had come to the conclusion that i would wait 5 more and that would be the end of it. he texts at that point. "i took a wrong turn. be there soon." k. fine. i order a glass of wine, figuring this is already going to be a long night. in retrospect, the wine was a good choice.

"be there soon" turned into 6:24. this is a long time to be sitting in a restaurant by yourself, waiting. truth be told, i really wanted butter chicken and that was more the reason that i waited. it's so tempting when you can smell its slightly spicy goodness wafting out from the kitchen. mmm. i love the butter chicken in tandoori hut. but i digress again.

and then, as if in some sort of dark nightmare, this figure opens the door. this...really...really...large figure. oh! ok. this is you. awesome. not how your pictures made you look. i take a deep breath. well, maybe he'll have a wicked personality.

nope.

nope, he does not.

he embodies the stereotypical nerd. his glasses hang too far down on his nose. he is wearing some long dark jacket. his hair is combed flat to the side, and gelled so that you can still see the comb's teeth marks. i am honestly expecting a pocket protector. and y'know what? i can even move past all this if he were to be funny or charming.

nope.

nope, he was not.

we awkwardly make small talk and order food (because seriously, at this point, i *need* butter chicken to make the evening not a complete waste). i pride myself on being able to talk with most people openly and quite well. i found this to be quite possibly my most difficult challenge yet.

this date was not nearly the weirdest one i have been on, but it was a gentle reminder that my screening process is in place for a reason. he even awkwardly asked the question, "can i call you again sometime?" i hate that question. the answer is not something you want to hear half the time. my theory is that if you have to ask how the date is going, it's not going very well.

i give him a hug as i reach my car. sorry, kiddo. i'm sure you'll make a lovely girl very happy some day. that girl isn't going to be me.

conveniently, i passed a friend on the way to date #2, and as i was driving her home i just got to giggle about the whole experience. awkward!

...and then... well... the blue eyed guy arrived. i can't decide if i want to share this one or keep it all to myself. i'll have to think on it.

a rant about eHarmony.

during this whole online dating thing, i've also been perusing various forums with discussion topics like "he's just not that into you" and "how not to get stalked." mostly i read these for entertainment, but every now and then you get the odd post that actually possesses some useful information. one of these such posts said something along the lines of "don't limit yourself to just one dating website - broaden your pool of possibilities!"

ok, i thought. i can do that.

conveniently, an eHarmony commercial managed to pop up on the side of one of the pages with a quote from some random happy couple (although - thinking back on it, TOO happy). false advertising! anyway, i log on. i create a profile.

i do their stupid personality quiz.

this thing has literally 20 pages of questions that you have to answer either "true/false" or "strongly agree/disagree." the questions cover all sorts of topics about family, relationships, likes/dislikes, religion and are all geared towards ensuring that you are matched with people who are similar to yourself.

cool! i mean, i don't even know who i am some days, so if this little personality quiz can help with that then i'm all for it. you get to read a generic report when you're finished that describes you as "nurturing" or "introverted" or some other such term. i guess i can fit into that cookie cutter description! i'm beginning to have doubts.

firstly, it doesn't appear that eHarmony can match me with anyone. what's up with that!? i'm discouraged. apparently my cookie cutter fitting self isn't matching anyone else's cookie.

by the next day, i have new matches. as i'm browsing the profiles, it becomes ridiculously apparent that these are not the type of men i am even remotely interested in. but, ok, if the personality profile thinks we'll get along, i'll go with it. two of the matches have even already sent me messages! or so i think.

apparently, eHarmony allows you to "close" matches without really giving a reason. you don't have to close the match. you can keep it open! it doesn't matter if the match is open. all the messages i've received thus far are about how people are closing matches with me. it's getting really really really discouraging.

it'd be kind of like having a friend introduce you to someone, you shake their hand, and they simply give you a once-over, say "no thanks," and walk away. you've barely even opened your mouth to say a word and they've already deemed you unworthy.

this isn't entirely different than the other online dating sites i've experienced - people will just ignore messages from people they're not interested in. but it's one thing to be ignored, and entirely another to know that someone has looked at your profile and firmly decided they don't want to get to know you - and they let you know that!

the whole thing is pretty lame. so i deleted the profile. thank goodness it was a free trial!

le sigh.

i'm beginning to have self doubts. and i hate that.

liar guy

this date isn't a recent one, but as i was staring at a blank screen thinking of what to write this gem came to mind and i figured i would share. i'll get back to the recent ones quite soon.

my first online dating experience came just after rene and i broke up. for those of you who know me, you know that the rene break-up was neither messy, nor painful. it was a mutual agreement and we are still good friends to this day. i decided to join an online dating site (match.com i believe) to see what was out there. seems to be a pattern for me!

i met a guy who seemed cool, i smiled at him, he messaged me. we talked on the phone for hours that first night and agreed to meet the next day at joey tomatos in eau claire. (yeah, this was 5 years ago and i still remember the location. it was that tramatizing.) his age was listed on his profile as 29, and he reiterated when i asked the same question. being 20 myself at the time, this was an acceptable age difference but it was pushing it.

i show up to the restaurant on time, and stand at the front looking around for him. i don't see him. the waitress asks if i need assistance, and i just smile and say "no thanks, i'm waiting for someone." i wait. and wait.

finally someone approaches me and says, "cait?" i look. i look again. "yeah?"

"it's me."

...

...

...

i blurt out: "you're not 29." not even 29 plus 10.

"no, i'm not."

...

...

...

"did you think i wasn't going to notice? why would you lie?"

he replies, "well, i didn't think you'd want to meet me if you knew i was 43."

you're fucking right i wouldn't have.

"well, i don't date liars." i say, and turn on my heel.

seriously, people, ask for a cell phone pic before agreeing to meet someone. yikes.

starbucks guy

when i moved into my current place, i discovered that there was a starbucks down the hill! imagine my joy to discover that a delicious hot beverage was moments away. as you can imagine, i started going there every day. pro tip: if you follow in my footsteps and purchase chai lattes every day, don't add up how much it will cost you a year. seriously. it will make you rather sad. anyway, monday to friday, without fail, i'm in there. the baristas don't even ask what i want anymore, instead greeting me with friendly calls of "hey cait!" yep. they know my name. it's awesome.

starbucks guy was in front of me very early on in my starbucks visits, ordering an americano. he's tall. he's kind of rough around the edges, and always dressed in a hoodie and cargo pants. he's got blue eyes, and has a really deep voice.

but let's back up. see, starbucks guy and i have never actually met. come to think of it, i don't think we've even exchanged words. he held the door open for me once. i see him most mornings on my way to work, in varying states of awake-ness. but you see, i'm having a love affair with him in my mind. each morning, i open the door to the store and while i'm in the midst of ordering or greeting the baristas, i take a quick glance around the shop. he's there. either ordering, or sitting quietly in the corner with his laptop. we make eye contact for a brief moment every single time. it's heaven.

i imagine what i would say to him, and of course in my imagination i am charming and articulate and looking particularly lovely. he cracks a joke, and i laugh, my hair tossing back over my shoulder.

judging by what he wears, i imagine starbucks guy to be in a trade of some sort. possibly a carpenter. definitely good with his hands. the strong silent type. any further details into this love affair in my mind probably turn out to be x-rated, but honestly all i really want is to make him smile. he has a fantastic smile.

for fear of coming off a little too stalker-ish for having noticed, i haven't seen starbucks guy in more than a few days. i hope that he's not sick, or moving away. i hope that i find a way to actually say hello before i end up moving away from here and that starbucks is no longer on my way to work. come back to me, starbucks guy. you make my mornings all the sweeter.

the japanese guy

(i realize that the way i'm writing this blog makes it sound as if all these dates are like back-to-back, and they're not. i'm just recounting them when i have time, and the idea to start a blog didn't hit me until recently. so there!)

japanese guy isn't actually japanese. he's a white, tall (like 6'4" tall), skinny, nerdy guy. if you're detecting a pattern, it's because there is one. i most definitely have a type. anyway, we decide to go for coffee, also at tim's. japanese guy drives a japanese fire truck, built by honda. i shit you not. the thing is bright red and totally old school looking. the driver sits on the right hand side of the car. since the truck is so badass, we decide to take a page from one of my winnipeg friends and go on a drive to nowhere. neither of us have been to langdon (it's not that special) so off we go. i'm pretty stoked to be in this badass red firetruck type thing. apparently it can't go faster than 100 kms, and it reminds you of such when you reach that speed with a really loud beeping noise. awesome. anyone who knows me knows how much i love driving slowly.

so we're talking, and talking, and talking and driving and driving and driving, and i'm thinking that it's going pretty well. my coffee is finished, and by this point we're back in calgary driving down 16th ave. he keeps talking about japan, though. and as fascinated as i am by japanese culture, it's just not something that i'm able to talk at any length about. i find people who stick to one topic fairly irritating, especially when the topic is one that both people aren't able to participate in. we end up sitting in the firetruck overlooking the city. it's a lovely night.

eventually he drops me off at my car, and we agree to hang out again. we get to do so one more time.

now, i'm pretty perceptive 99% of the time - although lately, my douche filter has been a little off. (i've enlisted the help of a magician for my own personal safety - she knows who she is) japanese guy and i agree to meet for dinner on a tuesday. monday night, i text asking if we're still on. "i sure hope so," he replies. tuesday afternoon, i text to make a plan. i get a short response: "actually, i forgot i had to work so i'm going to have to cancel." uhhhh huh.

"haha, are you just not that into me?" i teasingly text back. "i have to tell you something. it's too long to text. i'll send you an email." no word of a lie - this is his response.

i'm going to copy the email verbatum into this blog entry, because to summarize would simply not do it justice. keep in mind when you read it that we've gone on two dates at this point. absolutely not serious.

Sorry for being distant.
THere is actually a good reason and I do feel badly for it. I had mentioned to you that I speak to someone from Japan every morning. Actually the person in Japan is a woman I have been dating for more than year. I enjoyed being with you, but I am ridden with guilt about my actions. I am sorry.

It is really good to be able to speak with someone who gets all the stupid little internet references I do and has an awesome sense of humor, but at the end of the day, I am commited to someone else.

I have spoken to my girlfriend about this, and things are rough but fixable. There is no excuse for my actions and I know I was not fair to either of you.Please accept my sincere apologies. I let bad judgment get the better of me.

yep. that's what he wrote.

so now i feel bad for being "the other woman" despite my complete ignorance to such a standing. he's a dumbass for telling her, and i honestly hope she kicks him to the curb. any man willing to join a dating site while he has a girlfriend, long distance or otherwise, is up for the douche of the year prize.

le sigh!

sweet ass firetruck, tho.

the politician

sometimes you just click with someone. you barely know them, and yet you feel as if you've met before. i am not one to believe in reincarnation or past lives, so i'll try not to allude to them when i describe this feeling. but when you meet people that you can connect with so quickly, it's hard to keep the walls up.

the politician is brilliant. he is far more intelligent than i could hope to be, and he graduated from the same program at mount royal. he has interesting stories and experiences. and he has sparkling blue eyes. i'm sold. we talk for hours. we text all day. the more we talk, the more i'm sold.

the date itself was unremarkable in location and event - a simple beer at a pub in kensington. by the third sip, it's apparent that my walls are slipping. he's quirky. there are no awkward pauses, and the silences that exist are filled with smiles and gentle touches. halfway through, he gets a text from a friend checking on how his date is going. he makes a star trek reference. i don't think i've laughed so hard in ages.

i figure out how i know the politician. he's me, in male form. it's cliche to say, but the kiss makes my toes tingle and the butterflies in my stomach disappear. it feels so absolutely right.

right?

and here's where the harsh reality slaps me upside the head for being so willing to be swept off my feet.

the next night, we're talking on msn and he blurts, "so, i got a call from my ex today and she wants to get back together. i'm so confused."

my heart sinks. the walls begin to rebuild themselves, brick by brick. i can feel it happening.

"oh." i say. i refuse to compete. i have no ex boyfriends in my life that i would consider getting back together with - so i have no way to relate to the feeling.

"i feel like a jerk." he says. "but i still want to be friends."

there's a sentence that really doesn't require a response. i'm mostly glad that he feels like a jerk, because rejection never feels amazing. in theory, i think that we could be friends. he's still brilliant and i enjoy surrounding myself with brilliance.

the thing holding me back from a desire to form a friendship is the fact that he chose another woman over exploring me. i deserve better than that.

and i realize for the first time in a long time that i can actually say with confidence that i do deserve better than that. i deserve someone who can look at me and fall madly in love, not looking out for the next best thing. i deserve that. i. deserve. that.

yup, feels pretty awesome to be able to say that and mean it.

so good luck in life, politician. i mean that too.

wednesday guy

i usually pride myself on being able to filter the guys that i talk with online before i meet them in person. you can usually tell after a few conversations if you're going to be able to stand being near them for any period of time in person. i have learned, though, that some people are adept at masking themselves, only to show their true colors after a first meet.

wednesday guy and i met for coffee at tim horton's. my first clue that something was off should've been when he admitted that he didn't really drink coffee and ordered a chocolate milk. i'm not entirely sure what grown man drinks chocolate milk at any time other than in the comfort of his own living room, but whatever, i went with it.

i'd been talking to wednesday guy for quite awhile online, and i was really into him. or the him that he had presented to me. we sat in my car and talked for awhile, and at that inevitable moment of awkward silence, he leans over for a kiss. i don't object.

and then....

he bites me.

like, hard.

on the neck.

i pull back in shock. have i met a vampire? he's grinning, like i'm supposed to be instantly turned on. the moment is ruined. i'm now faced with a real problem - do i ask him to leave? do i slap him? do i get out of the car? wait, it's my car. i shouldn't have to get out of the car. thoughts race through my head. i'm not the best at hiding my feelings, and i'm sure my disgust was written all over my face. he mutters something and then leaves. i drive home. i ignore his texts.

and it got me to wondering - first of all, who was the girl that enjoyed his biting so much that he managed to somehow get the impression that it was a good idea for all women? what sort of kinky shit was she into? and secondly, at what point do you confess your weird fetishes to the other party? i mean, had it ever been brought up that he was into biting, my immediate response would have been, "reaaaally don't like being bitten." i believe in honesty, above all things. so a simple conversation could've avoided the annoyance. then again, there's also the idea that some things shouldn't be shared right away.

i feel like i should be creating a checklist here. question 1: do you have any sort of weird sexual fetishes that you're going to be busting out and blindsiding me with on the first date? if yes, proceed to the door.

sunday guy

there comes a time after every relationship's end that you brush yourself off and decide that there has to be another guy out there for you. sometimes this happens entirely too soon and you're still a brokenhearted mess. unfortunately for probably everyone involved, this happened sooner rather than later for me.

i looked in the mirror one morning and thought of two things.

firstly, i needed to really invest in waterproof mascara because the raccoon look was just not doing it for me. the second thought was that if there is one person in a million that you can connect with on a deeper level, well, that means that there are 6000 people that you could conceivably connect with on this planet. so damnit, i'm going to find one.

sunday guy messaged me first, which is always a good boost for the ol' self esteem. immediately i'm struck by his geekiness. generally, i'm drawn to geeky men because they tend to be more intelligent and i have more in common with them. he talks a bit too much about computers, and i have to consistantly remind him that i have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. we talk for awhile on msn, and agree to meet for a date.

i'd forgotten how it felt to have those butterflies pop up in your stomach as you're getting ready for a date. it was nice to be excited about something again. we meet for coffee at a starbucks (minus two points when he's bought & paid for his own coffee before i get there!) and sit down to chat. i bring christmas cookies to show my domestic side. i have no idea why.

there's no funny or horrific end to this one - those stories will come later, my friends.

i just wanted to explain this one because he is key in my recovery. he looked at me with those dark eyes, and i could tell immediately that he found me beautiful. and even though i knew in the back of my heart that i was nowhere near able to be the girlfriend that he deserves, i appreciated that he tried and supported me when the tears would still come randomly. he is a beautiful soul through and through and will make one lucky girl very happy someday.

/mush.

the background.

november 28, 2009.
the life that i had been building came crashing to a halt, when a catalyst of diamond earrings, bad weather, and birthday celebrations gone awry ended the relationship i had spent the better part of two years in. not here to lay blame, all i will say on the matter was that it destroyed me for a good solid month. we're talking tears at random moments, nausea when it came time to look at him or talk to him, and finally a peaceful calm when the last of his stuff was removed from my house.

anyone who has loved someone fiercely can attest to the introspection that occurs after the love has faded. questions of self worth and what went wrong swirl through your head at an almost dizzying pace. in the end, though, you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and realize that the only person who can ever judge you is you.

i signed on to online dating (plentyoffish in particular) when i was semi-ready to get back on the horse. now, online dating is something i've tried before and had some successes with. people always say that it's better to meet friends of friends, but most of my lovely friends are in committed serious relationships and tend to hang out with other couples in committed serious relationships. threesomes, while kinky, are really not condusive to good dates for the most part! so, off i went into the world of online dating.

this blog will henceforth be my accounts of said online dating adventures, because honestly, there have been some doozies.