angry face

i told several people close to me about the excuse given by blue eyed guy last night and was greeted in all instances by some serious laughter. i mean, my friends were sympathetic to my case, but as @poploser said, "i don't mean to laugh... but make no mistake, i am laughing." upon further reflection, it is absolutely ridiculous, isn't it? over text message, no less.

ok, cool. back to the drawing board.

i went out for dinner last night with the sole person i met over eHarmony. i think i might scrap dinner from my list of date ideas, because most of the time i end up with food down my shirt or on my shirt or something equally embarrassing. none of that actually happened though last night, but it's just always a concern in the back of my mind. i think the remarkable thing about this date was just how unremarkable it was. he was so sweet, and a little shy, and he paid for dinner and we managed to keep up a pretty decent conversation throughout the meal and everything just kind of flowed.

i mention it because i hope that he gives me another chance - my heart was still distracted by blue eyed guy (which is part of the reason why i texted him last night and the whole issue exploded) and i don't know that i put as much of myself into the date as i could've.

and i've been thinking about it all day - it's getting really hard to keep putting this much of myself on the line. i want to give each guy a fresh chance, because it's not fair to hold onto any sort of baggage and throw it on them. and i want to keep meeting new people because being proactive about things has always been the way i approach my life. but it's getting really hard to have the same old "so where did you grow up? do you have siblings? are you close with your parents?" conversations. while yes, i do want to know all these factoids, they make for easy conversation and that's not what i want. i know you have to take baby steps when you first meet someone because to launch into politics and religion right away could make for a fiesty conversation. honestly, though, that's what i want. i want real. i want someone to call me on my bullshit. i don't like playing the whole "must put my best face forward" game, because it ends up just feeling like a job interview. i'm not sure how to make that whole thing work though.

meh.

even if i fall flat on my face, i'm still moving forward. blue eyed guy chapter? closed.