the universe is a cruel mistress.

the grass is greener on the other side. you always want what you can't have. insert other cliched phrase here.

i can't decide if i believe in fate or if i've just created these circumstances in my own head. i don't think i believe in fate. i'm pretty sure i don't, at least.

however, i've met three incredible men in the past few months and i can't be with them, save for one. if i believed in this fate stuff, i'd be thinking that the universe was dangling them in front of me as if to say, "look what you could have! but wait, you can't. neener neener neener." yeah, in my head fate is like an eight year old sibling that you just want to slap. it's fun in my head. promise.

EDIT - y'know what? i don't even care. maybe i'll rewrite this at some point.

check in with you?!

i decided to turn this summer into "cait's official summer of ridiculousness" by signing on to work 2 part-time jobs, play on a ball team and maintain a 9-5 work week. i knew when i got into this that it wouldn't leave much room for a social life, although i maintain that if i want to see you, i will make time for you. there are also plenty of off weeks, where i don't have too much going on. i figured it'd be good for the bank account for the fall, as well as good for me to get out there and keep busy. meeting new people and learning new things is also a good choice.

i have been on a few dates lately, and have been absolutely upfront and honest about my ridiculous schedule. the bonus is that it sort of gives me an out if i don't want to see the guy again, and it seems to have been working fairly well. i don't like to lie, really. and one might ask, "well, cait, if you know you're going to be so busy, why agree to go out with these guys?" and it's a valid question. i've asked it of myself as well. i think the answer is that i still want to meet someone and in the meantime i am filling my life with things that i enjoy. it's alright to be selfish.

i had a fairly busy weekend last week. being the long weekend, lots of stuff popped up - BBQs, drinks, dinners, the island themed Lost finale party @ my mom's. y'know, stuff i love with people i love more! the phone wasn't always near me, and to be quite honest, i didn't feel like carrying on many text message conversations. i did manage to fit in one date with ... let's call him, party guy, for reasons i shall explain later. and i'll talk about him later too.

but throughout all this, i keep receiving text messages from this one guy in particular. now, we went out for coffee two weekends ago and then went for a walk in eau claire. there was no spark. sweet guy, but very very awkward. i worry that he hasn't seen the light of day in awhile, other than to go to work. i gave him a hug goodbye at the end of it, knowing that i had absolutely no intention of seeing him again. maybe i should have been a bit more obvious about it, because he continued to message me and chat. and i'm friendly. but yeah, busy. really really really busy.

so he catches me on msn last night. and he asks how my weekend was. "awesome!" i reply. "yeah," he says. "i thought you would've texted more." "well, y'know, i had a lot going on," i reply.

and then he comes out with - and this is absolutely classic.

"well, it'd be nice if you checked in with me once in awhile so i know that you're busy."

y..yeah? you mean, like i would do if we were in a relationship?

"well, i'm not exactly going to give up up-to-the-minute status updates, now am i?" i say.

"not minute by minute," he replies.

"that's a little unfair to expect at this stage of the game." ONE DATE. one date, kids.

i know that i'm irresistible and all but for fuck's sake. and to his credit, maybe i wasn't as clear with him as i should have been. maybe he was still holding out hope that there'd be a date #2. le sigh.

now - why can't the guys i'm actually interested in be all available and not frustrating? oh yeah, because then i probably wouldn't like them.

ok, not really. it's just an odd pattern in my life.

side note: blog-writing to beethoven is pretty much the best thing ever. i am furiously typing at my keyboard and there is music swirling around my head. there is something about this music that fills me up completely and makes me forget myself.

the dating pool in calgary is shrinking...

k, so about ... hrm... 8 years ago, i believe, i volunteered at my first Rez party doing security and door entries. for those who don't know, Rez parties were raves thrown by Lucie and the Sublink crew. she's one of those responsible for keeping a dying scene alive back in the day, and her parties were loud and full of ridiculousness. prior to this event, i had a few people come up to me and say "oh hey Megan." or just smile and nod as if they knew me. um, not Megan, dudes. perplexing!

imagine my surprise when i walk into this Rez party and bump headfirst into my doppleganger. y'know how sometimes people say, "oh hey, you look like [so and so]." and then you meet that so and so and are completely confused. why on earth do you think that person looks like me?

well, with Megan it's no joke. save for the fact that she's ... (i don't wanna sell you short here, kiddo) a good 6 inches shorter than me. she posted a couple of pictures once and it was incredibly confusing - "what the... i don't remember that photo being taken?!" oh wait. it's not me.

and aside from looking like me (or me like her, depending on which one of us you ask), she's actually pretty darn cool. we're hardly the same person, but we are into a few of the same things. comics, electronica, nerdy pasttimes, y'know, the usual. and we've become friends over the years, which is pretty neat actually.

and, y'know, as friends do - we talk about boys. we discover along the way that we have dated 4 of the same boys at various different times with varying levels of seriousness. 4. this is a rather large number, particularly given that we don't hang out very often and the timing has been random at best.

it's become very apparent that we are into the same "types" of dudes, and those dudes are into the same "types" of chicks. go f'n figure.

i had a point to all this, but i got lost in telling the story so i'm going to end it without a point.


EDIT - 5! 5 of the same boys. O_o

the perfect man...

teehee. my mom sent me this one.
although, i suppose you could argue that men would wait just as long for the perfect woman.
i don't believe in perfection, but i am creating a mental list of "must-haves" before i hop into anything serious.
maintaining multiple crushes on multiple different people at any given moment is entertaining me far more than anything else at this moment. ;)

i think i'm getting a little jaded.

i used to care so much when i was setting up these first date meet up thingies. for the last few, i've realized that the excitement is just plain missing. i'm not sure if that's because i've changed my strategy and no longer spend hours texting/messaging the person before i meet up with them and thereby no longer create this fantasy person in my head and become sorely disappointed with the reality of them OR (wow this is a long sentence but i'm gonna keep going with it) if the people i'm agreeing to meet just don't spark my interest as much as they should be.

if it's the first, then that's fair enough. if it's the second, though, then i'm starting to question why i'm bothering. i know i'm not going to want to pursue something serious with these guys. i'm wondering if it's fair to them, because they are simply seeking love like the rest of us. if i have no intention of sleeping with them or becoming more than friends... is it fair?

things to think about, anyway.

the flip side to this pure selfishness is that i am happier now than i have been in a really long time. i'm taking care of myself. i'm meeting new (and totally fantastic) people from different walks of life. i'm expanding my horizons. i'm doing things i never could have pictured myself doing and still have no idea how i'd follow through on (more on that at a later time). my life isn't perfect, but i am absolutely capable of mastering my own destiny. let's hope i can hang onto this.

insert /mush here

my quote of the day yesterday was: "he makes colors look brighter."

d'aww. this person deserves all the happiness in the world and i'm so happy for her. just wanted to share.


...EAVB_LJIQLNIPRD

...does that work?

the best date i've ever had...

i was thinking about all the dates i've been on recently, and the ones that have turned into relationships didn't always begin as momentous occasions. it got me to thinking, though, about the very best ones - the ones that make your heart flutter, your hormones go bananas and leave you with that silly grin all over your face.

i was trying to explain this feeling to my mom one time, and i was trying to say that it was like getting "weak in the knees" but my tongue got tangled and it came out as "neek in the wees." it's that ridiculous infatuation that is totally impractical and not based in reality at all - because we all know real relationships require work and aren't always about joy and giggles.

the first time i felt this, i was a teenager. the date in question occurred just after he had spent a month in europe traveling around. we had only sort of been seeing each other and so the month away was just a solid reminder of how much i wanted to learn about him. we met downtown on 8th ave, and as soon as he came into view my heart soared. i felt my first taste of love at that moment. we spent the day wandering around eau claire, participating in a clown's street performance, laughing and talking and getting lost in each other. almost a decade later, it still stands out as one of my favorite days of all time. i miss that, and i always wonder what would've happened had i been honest from the start. a life lesson, anyway. honesty is the best policy.

i digress. the second time i felt it was when i was standing in the yyc airport waiting on someone i had never met to come out from behind the arrivals gate. i know, i know. how can you love someone you've never met? to this day, i still maintain that you need touch and smell and reality to ensure that the love is real, but that infatuation from the fantasy is real enough. when he walked out from behind the frosted glass door, and kissed me full on the lips without a single word - time stood still. literally. i felt nothing but his touch on mine, and the world melted away completely. this is an experience i've never felt again. and sadly, once the week was up, we both realized that our lives were too detached to ever make a relationship work... but it was a beautiful vacation.

and i've had some pretty wicked dates lately, don't get me wrong. there's just nothing particularly note worthy or story-esque about them. i love love, though. i love being twitterpated. and i love when that fades and nothing is left but the bickering and the teasing and the cuddling.

i need to stop watching love actually. ><.

i don't believe in soulmates...but sometimes...

someone told me once that if there is one person in a million out there for you, that means you have somewhere in the area of 6500 possibilities! more and more i don't believe that there is just one person who compliments you; rather, i believe that many people compliment you in different ways. your task, then, is to find the person who fits your criteria best and then you have to make a partnership work. and it's not easy. blending personalities together to a common goal can prove to be a rather difficult task. sometimes, too, despite working hard to make a relationship successful can end up taking your life in a different direction. the point is, you just never know.

and then sometimes... you meet people who just seem to work together.

i went for dinner last night with a couple who met when they were about twelve. they were married when she was twenty and he was nineteen (he's six months younger than her, as he gently teases). they've been together now for twenty nine years.

and he still looks at her with love in his eyes. i'm sure they know everything there is to know about each other. they've braved immigrating to a new country. they've got two kids. and while i'm absolutely certain that it is no picnic and that things are never as they seem, i can sense the love that they still share for each other.

i wonder if they've ever thought about being with other people. i wonder if either of them has ever cheated or thought about it. i mean, we all think about it. and as he confesses, if a particular blonde celebrity ever asked him out i know he'd go. i don't think she'd hold that against him, though.

ah well. the point is - love does exist. i'll find it. yup, yup.

lists.

when i was meeting up with the ex to get my super nintendo and give his damage deposit back, he mentioned that he was out at costco with his new girlfriend going shopping for food and it reminded me of all the things i missed about being in a relationship - not with him in particular, but just all those day-to-day things that i've now taken on by myself.

so, in no real order, here are the top five things i miss about being in a relationship:

::grocery shopping -- trading off the grocery bill, choosing food for dinners, mocking his choice of cereal.
::cooking dinner together. there's something really sweet about bonding over sliced vegetables.
::always having someone to cuddle with on the couch. i am seriously, seriously missing the cuddles. the problem with cuddling when there is no steady relationship is that it tends to be overrun by hormones and gets derailed into another thing entirely.
::couples nights. given that my bestest friends are coupled, i end up feeling like the fifth wheel when we want to invite their (wonderful) men along.
::"love you bye" to end phone conversations. "love you have a good day" kisses on the forehead in the morning. "love you have a good sleep" before i close my eyes. telling the cat that i love him doesn't have the same effect.


to balance this, here are the top five things i absolutely don't miss about being in a relationship.

::compromising. no, i don't mind that you want to play street fighter for hours on end when i would really much rather be watching judge judy. no i don't mind that you're still playing left 4 dead when i told you we had to leave 5 minutes ago to go to my mom's house for dinner. no i don't mind hanging out with your friends tonight to watch ufc. don't get me wrong - i appreciate that compromise is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work. it sure is nice to not have to though.
::sock balls, or stinky work boots, or some other such gross boy thing that seems to be left around the house. every man (roommate or lover) i've ever lived with seems to leave sock balls around. i get that you want your socks off after a long day, but ffs, leave those things in the bedroom. they breed, y'know.
::guilt-free girls nights. yep, i want to go dancing with the girls. nope, i don't want to pick up a dude. sometimes you need to just let go and you don't want to be checking your phone every two seconds. i might come home, i might not. who knows? who cares? i can take care of myself, thanks.
::the remote is mine! yep, mine. all mine.
::filling my life with work is completely acceptable. there's no "we never spend enough time together" discussions and there's never any need to try to rearrange my sleep schedule so that i can see you for 20 minutes here and there. i am answerable only to myself. i can play ball all weekend, i can work 3 jobs, i can volunteer.

hrmph.

i still miss cuddles, though. not kidding on that point.

i want YOUR stories.

it occurs to me that i made that last post at exactly 4:20 pm. how random of me. do you ever find yourself noticing 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, 10:10, 11:11, 12:12, etc on the clock and smiling to yourself? i used to make wishes. they were silly wishes, like, i hope when i come home my laundry pile will have disappeared or that the milk in the fridge that i know is expired will magically have extended its best before date so that i may enjoy a glas? god, i'm bad for leaving milk in the fridge for too long. that was one thing the ex was good for - we always had fresh milk in the house.

so - happy news. my super nintendo has returned itself to me. we immediately hooked it up and i know dani played around with super mario brothers. as soon as i get a spare moment to myself i'm going to play donkey kong country 2 - the one with diddy and the girl whose pony tail flips her around like a helicopter. that is one talent i am seriously jealous of. if given the choice between throwing barrels with my tail, and throwing them with my ponytail.. well, let's just say it isn't really much of a choice.

i went out with a friend for a drink last night and got to discussing this ol' blog of mine and the idea was tossed around that i should open it up to the rest of the world and collect stories. the online dating phenomenon has really only been around for a decade or so, perhaps more if you count message boards and basic chatrooms. i would argue that it hit mainstream popularity the moment eHarmony decided to start advertising on television. (ps - as if those people are that happy!)

and as my mother so kindly pointed out, bad dates have been around since the dawn of time. whether you're set up by a family member, or a friend, or a click of a mouse... we've all had our share of bad dates.

and so i'm wondering now - i want to hear YOUR stories. this isn't to say that mine are going to stop (in fact, i've got one set up fairly quickly here. let's call him The Physicist.) but i want to see just how many bad date stories that i can compile, with a special focus on online dating adventures. i want to hear every gruesome detail. i want to hear about the girl who wanted to have your babies two minutes after meeting you. i want to hear about the guy who had the worst body odor imaginable. i want to hear everything. so drop me an email (caitfgb@gmail.com) and we'll see what we come up with. i promise that names will be altered as necessary, so just let me know what you do and don't want shared.

and, of course, i'll let you know what happens with the Physicist. =P

love is a sneaky sneaky thing

oh dear sweet internets, how i have missed you.

it's one thing to play on facebook and email on my phone, but writing an entire blog entry on the iPhone is really just an exercise in futility. the auto-correct feature on it makes for fun times.

for those who don't know, i packed my entire life into a 14" cube van and moved a grand total of 10 kms down the hill into a beautiful condo building downtown. so far the place is marvelous, minus the drama that came with the move. i suppose relationships are always strained during stressful times, but i was blindsided by a few issues that i didn't see coming. i suppose that's why they call it "being blindsided." durr.

anyway.

this blog entry isn't going to be about a wild and crazy date - mainly because i haven't had time to breathe, let alone meet someone and go for a drink. it isn't going to be about the fact that i had dinner with my ex recently, either, because i don't particularly feel like sharing that story.

this post is simply to thank the beautiful people in my life right now who gave up their time and energy to help me out over the past couple of weeks. i never fully appreciated that i have surrounded myself with people who balance me and complete me in so many different ways. and when i was at my most stressed out, the most unexpected people came out of nowhere to my rescue. i will never, ever forget it. from the twitter guy who lent me boxes, to sunday guy giving up a holiday-day, to my mom babysitting my kitties, to my boss offering to trade sponsorship deals for moving assistance, or the lax player who was going to bring his team by, my season ticket holder who brought her sons to help unpack, or my best girlfriends for lending me towels and box office help... the list goes on. i adore each and every one of you and i am so lucky to have you in my life. i hope that some day i can repay the favor and know that any time you need me, i'll be there.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.