like mother, like daughter

i shared my blog address with my mom the other day, and she emailed me to tell me about this gem of a blind date she had in 1976 when she was 24. i figured it was too good not to share, as it really seems as though nothing ever changes. you sure do have to kiss a lot of toads until you find your prince, and even then, sometimes he steals your car.

Did I ever tell you my blind date story with the 50 year old (I was 24)? He showed up in a blue volkswagen beetle, sporting lots of grey hair and love beads. We were going to dinner and I was dressed to the 9’s. We get in the car – already I’m ready to go home – and he announces that we are going to Swiss Chalet for dinner. Not what I was expecting, and of course I was hopelessly overdressed. So we go to Swiss Chalet and he says would you like some wine? I have no clue what goes all that well with SC Chicken, but wotthehell sure. He orders a bottle of Mateus. OMFG. I know I have to get out of here, so as soon as I can politely do so, I say that I would like to go home. As we leave the restaurant, he phones a buddy to say “well bombed out – I won’t be getting any tonight”.. I want to scream, punch his old face, and walk home, but Yonge Street at night even in 1976 was not a place to walk alone.

angry face

i told several people close to me about the excuse given by blue eyed guy last night and was greeted in all instances by some serious laughter. i mean, my friends were sympathetic to my case, but as @poploser said, "i don't mean to laugh... but make no mistake, i am laughing." upon further reflection, it is absolutely ridiculous, isn't it? over text message, no less.

ok, cool. back to the drawing board.

i went out for dinner last night with the sole person i met over eHarmony. i think i might scrap dinner from my list of date ideas, because most of the time i end up with food down my shirt or on my shirt or something equally embarrassing. none of that actually happened though last night, but it's just always a concern in the back of my mind. i think the remarkable thing about this date was just how unremarkable it was. he was so sweet, and a little shy, and he paid for dinner and we managed to keep up a pretty decent conversation throughout the meal and everything just kind of flowed.

i mention it because i hope that he gives me another chance - my heart was still distracted by blue eyed guy (which is part of the reason why i texted him last night and the whole issue exploded) and i don't know that i put as much of myself into the date as i could've.

and i've been thinking about it all day - it's getting really hard to keep putting this much of myself on the line. i want to give each guy a fresh chance, because it's not fair to hold onto any sort of baggage and throw it on them. and i want to keep meeting new people because being proactive about things has always been the way i approach my life. but it's getting really hard to have the same old "so where did you grow up? do you have siblings? are you close with your parents?" conversations. while yes, i do want to know all these factoids, they make for easy conversation and that's not what i want. i know you have to take baby steps when you first meet someone because to launch into politics and religion right away could make for a fiesty conversation. honestly, though, that's what i want. i want real. i want someone to call me on my bullshit. i don't like playing the whole "must put my best face forward" game, because it ends up just feeling like a job interview. i'm not sure how to make that whole thing work though.

meh.

even if i fall flat on my face, i'm still moving forward. blue eyed guy chapter? closed.

a personal vow of celibacy?!

...have to say, that's gotta be the most unique "i'm just not that into you" line i've ever heard.

i had more to say on this. i'm fucking irritated, so it's probably best to not share what i'm really thinking at the moment. fuck you blue eyed guy. playing with my heart is so not ok.

he's just not that into you

part of this whole dating adventure has been to rebuild confidence in myself, particularly in my looks. i remember once the ex mentioned that he really didn't like when i would get home and change into my sweat pants & t-shirt and it made it so that he wasn't really attracted to me. he also would mention quite frequently how fat he thought i was - and not really in a way intended to be insulting. but it's hard to know that the person who supposedly loves you thinks anything other than that you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

now, i know i'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. this isn't news to me. i won't ever be a stereotypical "10." and y'know what? i'm ok with that. i have a bazillion other things going for me. i'm tall. i've got great boobs. i'm smart. i'm witty. sometimes. i entertain myself, at least. but being a skinny model-esque girl is not part of my future. and that's fine. it really is.

what i'm done with, though, is being the fat chick.

i've managed to figure out something that is going to work for me - and i've got a plan to pursue that goal. i'll get there. i am just feeling like this shell that i've been living in isn't reflecting the real me - and while it's not all about getting a man, because it's not, i just feel as though people aren't giving me a real chance because of the way i look and it's affecting my confidence levels.

i'm adding to my list of things that the perfect man possesses though - and one of those is that the perfect man will think i am absolutely at my sexiest in my freakin' sweatpants.

......just as long as i don't wear them out to walmart. =P

starbucks guy : the finale

so i confirmed today via my new twitter buddy (thx again @twowheelgeek) that the note was indeed delivered to starbucks guy, and no i have not yet received a phone call. ah well. i still don't regret doing it. hopefully he enjoyed his coffee, and at least now i know right? yep. now i know.

it's tough not to get discouraged out there. i have encountered several men lately who have gotten close to me to only gain an introduction to several of my friends. i'm sure they'd deny it if i flat out asked, but being smarter than your average bear, i can pretty much see right through it. and while we're all just out there to meet "the one" i think it's really shallow to hurt someone along the way to get there.

i was really going to try to make this entry a bit more positive, but i'm really cranky today and i can't quite put my finger on why. i think the issue is more just frustration with the rest of my life, so it's putting a damper on my attempt at being light hearted and uplifting when it comes to the dating world. and that's fair enough. you can't be positive all the time, and as long as you don't drag others down with you i think it's acceptable from time to time.

unrelated side note: i need my dating magician to come back, or at least pay attention to my emails. i need to go for a run & sweat a little. i need to hit up the batting cage and beat the crap out of some balls for an hour or so. i need to find out about the move-in date on this apartment, and i need my $395 back from the fucking furnace.

see? lots on my mind. i probably wouldn't be particularly good company for starbucks guy right now anyway, although truthfully, i don't know that we would need to talk.

HA.

on another unrelated side note: the ex (yeah, the ex) dropped me a text message after i ran headfirst into him at the game on friday up in edmonton. i ... am not sure why, although i found out that he and his new gf are no longer together. it's shocking how little this affects me, and i think (much to my happy surprise) that i am truly over him. i can say now that i learned a lot about myself and what i want out of a relationship. i am not ready to settle. and (this is assuming he gives me back my fucking super nintendo) i can say now that i truly wish him happiness in whatever path he chooses. i think this is what you call being healed. =)

half of me wonders if this doesn't have to do with the butterfly feeling i still get when blue eyed guy texts. the excitement of something new proves to be a good distraction. the other half of me knows better and is going to go for a run now.

kba.

the +1 problem

I was watching an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” the other day and the whole thing was about what happens when you’re single and you receive a wedding invitation. Inevitably there’s that little check box that you have to fill out in order to make sure that the wedding party can plan for the appropriate number of people. The check box of doom for singles. The episode highlighted that you have to think – “where am I going to be in 3 months? Am I going to have a +1? Am I going to be single? Do I check +1, and then risk showing up alone? But if I don’t check +1, and end up in a relationship 3 months from now, can I still bring that person?” the episode was hilarious.

But sure enough… I had that exact dilemma. One of my bestest friends in the whole world will be getting married in July, and while the invitation is a formality (as she knows I will be there with bells on!), there is still that blank check box. Oh, I battled with this one. Yes, I am confidently single right now. And truth be told, I have a few male friends who would be more than happy to be my platonic +1 should the need arise. All you’d have to do is mention free food and they’d be on board. I love them for that. So if, in 3 months, I am still single, I will probably be set. But there’s always that “what if” factor.

I suppose the same issue would apply if you were in a relationship and for whatever reason that relationship ended in between the time you checked off the +1 box. It’s all so damn complicated!

So, to my bestest friend, I checked off the +1 box (in cyberspace, but you get the point) in the hopes that this will work out in my favor. I bought a pretty dress and I can’t wait to see you and your lovely man tie the knot. Because, really, that’s what it’s all about.

I’m just more than a little selfish and that’s totally why you love me.

the danger with infatuation.

throughout this whole series of unfortunate dating events, i still maintain that it's better to put yourself out there and find someone to connect with - even if that connection ends with bite marks, or broken hearts.

several people have called me brave today for finally leaving the note for starbucks guy with the baristas. they seem to be on my side with the whole situation. i was terrified. i ended up just kind of mumbling the whole story out, and then leaving as soon as my drink was ready. i can only trust now that they will take pity on my poor flustered self and deliver the note & the coffee to him. bonus - i found out his name today. no, i'm not telling.

so. as the first paragraph stated, i still maintain that it's better to put yourself out there than not. and along with that comes my personal belief that honesty is always the best policy. if you are not into someone, like i was definitely not into "the experiment," it's best to just be upfront and tell him. he texted yesterday (shortly after i wrote the blog entry) asking me to go go-karting on thursday. i thanked him, and said that he wasn't what i was looking for and that i wished him good luck. i've received a similar text message myself. gentle, yet to the point. awesome.

the flip side to this honesty is that i also believe that if you're into someone, you should also tell them. the danger with this is that you are seriously opening up your heart to someone that you don't know very well and therefore cannot necessarily trust. your brain says "look before you leap, dumbass," and your heart is very clearly distracted by the bright blue eyes. the heart, and well, other body parts.

after an 8 hour date on sunday, i allowed my heart the satisfaction of skipping a beat whenever a text message popped up. i allowed my heart the joy of telling other people how i felt. i allowed my heart to set up a third date for last night. and, with all of that expectation built up in my head (who tends to just go along with the heart's desires - i need to look into that), i let myself be extremely disappointed when the date was cancelled last night with one of the usual blow off excuses.

i try to rationalize like most women. "oh, yeah, he could totally be tired." yeah. could be. but i know in my head (who tends to be the smart one in this relationship) that there's something else going on.

so the danger with infatuation is that when you let yourself go without regard for consequences, you can get pretty seriously hurt. yep. noted.

the thing is, though, that i'm still not entirely sure i would've done anything differently given the same set of circumstances. i still believe that holding your emotions back and playing games is detrimental, not to mention irritating. and blue eyed guy could just have been tired and he'll be texting or calling in a few days and we'll talk it out and laugh about it. or not. either way, i don't regret it!

and who knows? maybe starbucks guy won't think i'm a total psycho stalker and give me a call. or not! either way, i don't regret it.

=P

the experiment

there's the old cliche floating around out there that says, "when it rains, it pours." i always thought this was an odd saying, because most of the time (at least in calgary) it rains in varying degrees of wetness and i'd wager that most of those times it's not particularly pouring. i digress. given the dating drought for the past few weeks (and therefore a lack of blog entries), i decided to agree to go out on a date with two guys that i normally wouldn't agree to go out with, both for completely different reasons.

and weirdly, both of the dates occurred on the same night.

and even more weirdly, the second date was probably one of the most interesting dates i've ever had. i might talk about him later. to be quite honest, i am hoping that this one develops into something. in the meantime, though: here's the story of the first guy.

the reason that this guy was an experiment was that i didn't go through the normal "screening" steps i normally do. we didn't speak on the phone, we didn't text/msn for days on end. we exchanged a few emails, he asked me out for dinner and i accepted. boom. it felt kinda old school. we arranged to meet at tandoori hut for dinner. i love tandoori hut.

now, in my world, when you arrange to meet someone at 6:00, the ideal time to show up is 5:59. you're sliiiiiightly early, but mostly just on-time. so i arrive at 5:59 and no date. ok, cool. i get a table. i wait. 10 minutes goes by. i'm thinking to myself, "how long do i give this before i bail?" i had come to the conclusion that i would wait 5 more and that would be the end of it. he texts at that point. "i took a wrong turn. be there soon." k. fine. i order a glass of wine, figuring this is already going to be a long night. in retrospect, the wine was a good choice.

"be there soon" turned into 6:24. this is a long time to be sitting in a restaurant by yourself, waiting. truth be told, i really wanted butter chicken and that was more the reason that i waited. it's so tempting when you can smell its slightly spicy goodness wafting out from the kitchen. mmm. i love the butter chicken in tandoori hut. but i digress again.

and then, as if in some sort of dark nightmare, this figure opens the door. this...really...really...large figure. oh! ok. this is you. awesome. not how your pictures made you look. i take a deep breath. well, maybe he'll have a wicked personality.

nope.

nope, he does not.

he embodies the stereotypical nerd. his glasses hang too far down on his nose. he is wearing some long dark jacket. his hair is combed flat to the side, and gelled so that you can still see the comb's teeth marks. i am honestly expecting a pocket protector. and y'know what? i can even move past all this if he were to be funny or charming.

nope.

nope, he was not.

we awkwardly make small talk and order food (because seriously, at this point, i *need* butter chicken to make the evening not a complete waste). i pride myself on being able to talk with most people openly and quite well. i found this to be quite possibly my most difficult challenge yet.

this date was not nearly the weirdest one i have been on, but it was a gentle reminder that my screening process is in place for a reason. he even awkwardly asked the question, "can i call you again sometime?" i hate that question. the answer is not something you want to hear half the time. my theory is that if you have to ask how the date is going, it's not going very well.

i give him a hug as i reach my car. sorry, kiddo. i'm sure you'll make a lovely girl very happy some day. that girl isn't going to be me.

conveniently, i passed a friend on the way to date #2, and as i was driving her home i just got to giggle about the whole experience. awkward!

...and then... well... the blue eyed guy arrived. i can't decide if i want to share this one or keep it all to myself. i'll have to think on it.