the politician

sometimes you just click with someone. you barely know them, and yet you feel as if you've met before. i am not one to believe in reincarnation or past lives, so i'll try not to allude to them when i describe this feeling. but when you meet people that you can connect with so quickly, it's hard to keep the walls up.

the politician is brilliant. he is far more intelligent than i could hope to be, and he graduated from the same program at mount royal. he has interesting stories and experiences. and he has sparkling blue eyes. i'm sold. we talk for hours. we text all day. the more we talk, the more i'm sold.

the date itself was unremarkable in location and event - a simple beer at a pub in kensington. by the third sip, it's apparent that my walls are slipping. he's quirky. there are no awkward pauses, and the silences that exist are filled with smiles and gentle touches. halfway through, he gets a text from a friend checking on how his date is going. he makes a star trek reference. i don't think i've laughed so hard in ages.

i figure out how i know the politician. he's me, in male form. it's cliche to say, but the kiss makes my toes tingle and the butterflies in my stomach disappear. it feels so absolutely right.

right?

and here's where the harsh reality slaps me upside the head for being so willing to be swept off my feet.

the next night, we're talking on msn and he blurts, "so, i got a call from my ex today and she wants to get back together. i'm so confused."

my heart sinks. the walls begin to rebuild themselves, brick by brick. i can feel it happening.

"oh." i say. i refuse to compete. i have no ex boyfriends in my life that i would consider getting back together with - so i have no way to relate to the feeling.

"i feel like a jerk." he says. "but i still want to be friends."

there's a sentence that really doesn't require a response. i'm mostly glad that he feels like a jerk, because rejection never feels amazing. in theory, i think that we could be friends. he's still brilliant and i enjoy surrounding myself with brilliance.

the thing holding me back from a desire to form a friendship is the fact that he chose another woman over exploring me. i deserve better than that.

and i realize for the first time in a long time that i can actually say with confidence that i do deserve better than that. i deserve someone who can look at me and fall madly in love, not looking out for the next best thing. i deserve that. i. deserve. that.

yup, feels pretty awesome to be able to say that and mean it.

so good luck in life, politician. i mean that too.