living in my head is far more entertaining than one would think.

what do i want?
what...do...i...want?
this blog used to be so much easier to write when i had a funny story to convey. life has been far less hilarious lately.

i don't mean that to be depressing, because it isn't. i would much prefer normality to being bitten in a car randomly or being told that someone is taking a vow of personal celibacy. i really would. half of me kind of wants to drop that dude a line and ask how his celibacy is going.

i feel as though someone spun me around in a bunch of circles, let me fall over a bunch of times and then when i finally recovered, they just pushed me in a random direction. (this is obviously a lame analogy if you know me at all, but that's neither here nor there) so as i'm stumbling about, gathering my bearings... i find that i'm nowhere close to where i started and nowhere close to anyone else. it's kind of lonely over here.

i'm surrounded by people who have their lives together. two of the people i adore most in the world are happily married and are planning babies in the next few years. damn near everyone on my ball team this year had kids under 2. and i'm nowhere near there yet.

and y'know, i know i shouldn't compare myself to others. i know that. i do. promise.

hrm. this was supposed to help me. i just feel worse now. rawr. ok, carry on.

*dusts this thing off*

...hello? hello...? anyone out there? is this thing still on?

oh good.

because i need it to be.

so, the last entry ended all warm & fuzzy, didn't it? yeah, it did. i was very sincerely hoping for my happily ever after. on paper, it was perfect.

ah, but therein lies the rub. nothing's perfect. least of all me. and i'm not sure if my head or my heart sabotaged this one, but here i am today feeling like a giant jerk about the whole situation. i can't quite put my finger on it. he's beautiful. he's sweet. he'll treat me like a princess. and yet, it wasn't what i wanted.

so, the question remains: what do i want?

fuck if i know.

well, that was unexpected.

i've typed and retyped this particular entry a few different times now. i wasn't really sure about the approach i wanted to take to it. i've basically decided i'm going to tell the story, to begin with at least, using just the facts.

fact #1. i got sick of plentyoffish and signed up for okcupid online dating. it's similar to eharmony in that you take a personality type quiz and it matches you with individuals who are similar to you. it's different in that it doesn't suck. i've heard stories of success from all sites, but one thing i've learned from online dating is that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.

fact #2. i was matched at 96% with someone. that alone got my attention. then i read his profile & looked at his pictures. yep, definitely someone i was interested in knowing more about - if nothing else, than for the simple fact that technically the website matches you with yourself at 96%. i composed a witty email, sent it off and ... got no reply. for a month. i wrote him off. ;)

fact #3. i met two fantastic guys in the meantime. had a few dates, had a few beers, had a generally awesome last half of may, save for some drama involving the "grass is greener" post that i never finished. i should finish that at some point.

fact #4. i finally receive a message from 96% boy. he's written an email with coherent sentences. i decide to forgive him for the month of non-replying. we talk on msn. he rocks. he's nerdy, he's sweet, he's funny. we then discover that we've basically been stalking each other for the past ten years without knowing the other person existed. it becomes weird to a point of me questioning my belief in the universe having a point to all this chaos. but i digress.

fact #5. the following pieces of information are true: a) we went to the same high school. he just graduated the year before i got there. b) we know a few of the same people. c) he was a drum n bass raver around the same time i was working at Dom's shows. d) he was at NiN, Muse, countless Mac Hall shows that i've worked/attended. e) he lived on the street i just moved off of, 6 years before i lived there. f) his mother worked with my stepfather not too long ago. g) the kicker: he's a roofer and has been working on top of my office building for the past 4 weeks or so. we should've met each other 90 million times over and it brings new meaning to the cliche, "where have you been all my life?"

fact #6. it's going to be really, really, really easy for me to slide into mushville, so i'm going to restrain myself.

fact #7. i didn't want a relationship. the idea of being someone's girlfriend again made me want to change the subject and go make out with a random person in the bar. i was really digging the freedom to be able to do that. i was originally aiming for more than 6 months of single-dom. flash forward to this goofy dirty roofer walking into my office to say hey and all i can see are his bright blue eyes and i'm done. it's game over. i'm telling all casual fwbs that i've met someone. i'm giggling when he calls. i'm using the word "twitterpated" in sentences on public forums.

fact #8. i've never met anyone like him.

fact #9, and probably the most important fact of all. i'm going to need to think up a new topic of discussion for this blog.

the universe is a cruel mistress.

the grass is greener on the other side. you always want what you can't have. insert other cliched phrase here.

i can't decide if i believe in fate or if i've just created these circumstances in my own head. i don't think i believe in fate. i'm pretty sure i don't, at least.

however, i've met three incredible men in the past few months and i can't be with them, save for one. if i believed in this fate stuff, i'd be thinking that the universe was dangling them in front of me as if to say, "look what you could have! but wait, you can't. neener neener neener." yeah, in my head fate is like an eight year old sibling that you just want to slap. it's fun in my head. promise.

EDIT - y'know what? i don't even care. maybe i'll rewrite this at some point.

check in with you?!

i decided to turn this summer into "cait's official summer of ridiculousness" by signing on to work 2 part-time jobs, play on a ball team and maintain a 9-5 work week. i knew when i got into this that it wouldn't leave much room for a social life, although i maintain that if i want to see you, i will make time for you. there are also plenty of off weeks, where i don't have too much going on. i figured it'd be good for the bank account for the fall, as well as good for me to get out there and keep busy. meeting new people and learning new things is also a good choice.

i have been on a few dates lately, and have been absolutely upfront and honest about my ridiculous schedule. the bonus is that it sort of gives me an out if i don't want to see the guy again, and it seems to have been working fairly well. i don't like to lie, really. and one might ask, "well, cait, if you know you're going to be so busy, why agree to go out with these guys?" and it's a valid question. i've asked it of myself as well. i think the answer is that i still want to meet someone and in the meantime i am filling my life with things that i enjoy. it's alright to be selfish.

i had a fairly busy weekend last week. being the long weekend, lots of stuff popped up - BBQs, drinks, dinners, the island themed Lost finale party @ my mom's. y'know, stuff i love with people i love more! the phone wasn't always near me, and to be quite honest, i didn't feel like carrying on many text message conversations. i did manage to fit in one date with ... let's call him, party guy, for reasons i shall explain later. and i'll talk about him later too.

but throughout all this, i keep receiving text messages from this one guy in particular. now, we went out for coffee two weekends ago and then went for a walk in eau claire. there was no spark. sweet guy, but very very awkward. i worry that he hasn't seen the light of day in awhile, other than to go to work. i gave him a hug goodbye at the end of it, knowing that i had absolutely no intention of seeing him again. maybe i should have been a bit more obvious about it, because he continued to message me and chat. and i'm friendly. but yeah, busy. really really really busy.

so he catches me on msn last night. and he asks how my weekend was. "awesome!" i reply. "yeah," he says. "i thought you would've texted more." "well, y'know, i had a lot going on," i reply.

and then he comes out with - and this is absolutely classic.

"well, it'd be nice if you checked in with me once in awhile so i know that you're busy."

y..yeah? you mean, like i would do if we were in a relationship?

"well, i'm not exactly going to give up up-to-the-minute status updates, now am i?" i say.

"not minute by minute," he replies.

"that's a little unfair to expect at this stage of the game." ONE DATE. one date, kids.

i know that i'm irresistible and all but for fuck's sake. and to his credit, maybe i wasn't as clear with him as i should have been. maybe he was still holding out hope that there'd be a date #2. le sigh.

now - why can't the guys i'm actually interested in be all available and not frustrating? oh yeah, because then i probably wouldn't like them.

ok, not really. it's just an odd pattern in my life.

side note: blog-writing to beethoven is pretty much the best thing ever. i am furiously typing at my keyboard and there is music swirling around my head. there is something about this music that fills me up completely and makes me forget myself.

the dating pool in calgary is shrinking...

k, so about ... hrm... 8 years ago, i believe, i volunteered at my first Rez party doing security and door entries. for those who don't know, Rez parties were raves thrown by Lucie and the Sublink crew. she's one of those responsible for keeping a dying scene alive back in the day, and her parties were loud and full of ridiculousness. prior to this event, i had a few people come up to me and say "oh hey Megan." or just smile and nod as if they knew me. um, not Megan, dudes. perplexing!

imagine my surprise when i walk into this Rez party and bump headfirst into my doppleganger. y'know how sometimes people say, "oh hey, you look like [so and so]." and then you meet that so and so and are completely confused. why on earth do you think that person looks like me?

well, with Megan it's no joke. save for the fact that she's ... (i don't wanna sell you short here, kiddo) a good 6 inches shorter than me. she posted a couple of pictures once and it was incredibly confusing - "what the... i don't remember that photo being taken?!" oh wait. it's not me.

and aside from looking like me (or me like her, depending on which one of us you ask), she's actually pretty darn cool. we're hardly the same person, but we are into a few of the same things. comics, electronica, nerdy pasttimes, y'know, the usual. and we've become friends over the years, which is pretty neat actually.

and, y'know, as friends do - we talk about boys. we discover along the way that we have dated 4 of the same boys at various different times with varying levels of seriousness. 4. this is a rather large number, particularly given that we don't hang out very often and the timing has been random at best.

it's become very apparent that we are into the same "types" of dudes, and those dudes are into the same "types" of chicks. go f'n figure.

i had a point to all this, but i got lost in telling the story so i'm going to end it without a point.


EDIT - 5! 5 of the same boys. O_o

the perfect man...

teehee. my mom sent me this one.
although, i suppose you could argue that men would wait just as long for the perfect woman.
i don't believe in perfection, but i am creating a mental list of "must-haves" before i hop into anything serious.
maintaining multiple crushes on multiple different people at any given moment is entertaining me far more than anything else at this moment. ;)