a rant about eHarmony.

during this whole online dating thing, i've also been perusing various forums with discussion topics like "he's just not that into you" and "how not to get stalked." mostly i read these for entertainment, but every now and then you get the odd post that actually possesses some useful information. one of these such posts said something along the lines of "don't limit yourself to just one dating website - broaden your pool of possibilities!"

ok, i thought. i can do that.

conveniently, an eHarmony commercial managed to pop up on the side of one of the pages with a quote from some random happy couple (although - thinking back on it, TOO happy). false advertising! anyway, i log on. i create a profile.

i do their stupid personality quiz.

this thing has literally 20 pages of questions that you have to answer either "true/false" or "strongly agree/disagree." the questions cover all sorts of topics about family, relationships, likes/dislikes, religion and are all geared towards ensuring that you are matched with people who are similar to yourself.

cool! i mean, i don't even know who i am some days, so if this little personality quiz can help with that then i'm all for it. you get to read a generic report when you're finished that describes you as "nurturing" or "introverted" or some other such term. i guess i can fit into that cookie cutter description! i'm beginning to have doubts.

firstly, it doesn't appear that eHarmony can match me with anyone. what's up with that!? i'm discouraged. apparently my cookie cutter fitting self isn't matching anyone else's cookie.

by the next day, i have new matches. as i'm browsing the profiles, it becomes ridiculously apparent that these are not the type of men i am even remotely interested in. but, ok, if the personality profile thinks we'll get along, i'll go with it. two of the matches have even already sent me messages! or so i think.

apparently, eHarmony allows you to "close" matches without really giving a reason. you don't have to close the match. you can keep it open! it doesn't matter if the match is open. all the messages i've received thus far are about how people are closing matches with me. it's getting really really really discouraging.

it'd be kind of like having a friend introduce you to someone, you shake their hand, and they simply give you a once-over, say "no thanks," and walk away. you've barely even opened your mouth to say a word and they've already deemed you unworthy.

this isn't entirely different than the other online dating sites i've experienced - people will just ignore messages from people they're not interested in. but it's one thing to be ignored, and entirely another to know that someone has looked at your profile and firmly decided they don't want to get to know you - and they let you know that!

the whole thing is pretty lame. so i deleted the profile. thank goodness it was a free trial!

le sigh.

i'm beginning to have self doubts. and i hate that.

liar guy

this date isn't a recent one, but as i was staring at a blank screen thinking of what to write this gem came to mind and i figured i would share. i'll get back to the recent ones quite soon.

my first online dating experience came just after rene and i broke up. for those of you who know me, you know that the rene break-up was neither messy, nor painful. it was a mutual agreement and we are still good friends to this day. i decided to join an online dating site (match.com i believe) to see what was out there. seems to be a pattern for me!

i met a guy who seemed cool, i smiled at him, he messaged me. we talked on the phone for hours that first night and agreed to meet the next day at joey tomatos in eau claire. (yeah, this was 5 years ago and i still remember the location. it was that tramatizing.) his age was listed on his profile as 29, and he reiterated when i asked the same question. being 20 myself at the time, this was an acceptable age difference but it was pushing it.

i show up to the restaurant on time, and stand at the front looking around for him. i don't see him. the waitress asks if i need assistance, and i just smile and say "no thanks, i'm waiting for someone." i wait. and wait.

finally someone approaches me and says, "cait?" i look. i look again. "yeah?"

"it's me."

...

...

...

i blurt out: "you're not 29." not even 29 plus 10.

"no, i'm not."

...

...

...

"did you think i wasn't going to notice? why would you lie?"

he replies, "well, i didn't think you'd want to meet me if you knew i was 43."

you're fucking right i wouldn't have.

"well, i don't date liars." i say, and turn on my heel.

seriously, people, ask for a cell phone pic before agreeing to meet someone. yikes.

starbucks guy

when i moved into my current place, i discovered that there was a starbucks down the hill! imagine my joy to discover that a delicious hot beverage was moments away. as you can imagine, i started going there every day. pro tip: if you follow in my footsteps and purchase chai lattes every day, don't add up how much it will cost you a year. seriously. it will make you rather sad. anyway, monday to friday, without fail, i'm in there. the baristas don't even ask what i want anymore, instead greeting me with friendly calls of "hey cait!" yep. they know my name. it's awesome.

starbucks guy was in front of me very early on in my starbucks visits, ordering an americano. he's tall. he's kind of rough around the edges, and always dressed in a hoodie and cargo pants. he's got blue eyes, and has a really deep voice.

but let's back up. see, starbucks guy and i have never actually met. come to think of it, i don't think we've even exchanged words. he held the door open for me once. i see him most mornings on my way to work, in varying states of awake-ness. but you see, i'm having a love affair with him in my mind. each morning, i open the door to the store and while i'm in the midst of ordering or greeting the baristas, i take a quick glance around the shop. he's there. either ordering, or sitting quietly in the corner with his laptop. we make eye contact for a brief moment every single time. it's heaven.

i imagine what i would say to him, and of course in my imagination i am charming and articulate and looking particularly lovely. he cracks a joke, and i laugh, my hair tossing back over my shoulder.

judging by what he wears, i imagine starbucks guy to be in a trade of some sort. possibly a carpenter. definitely good with his hands. the strong silent type. any further details into this love affair in my mind probably turn out to be x-rated, but honestly all i really want is to make him smile. he has a fantastic smile.

for fear of coming off a little too stalker-ish for having noticed, i haven't seen starbucks guy in more than a few days. i hope that he's not sick, or moving away. i hope that i find a way to actually say hello before i end up moving away from here and that starbucks is no longer on my way to work. come back to me, starbucks guy. you make my mornings all the sweeter.

the japanese guy

(i realize that the way i'm writing this blog makes it sound as if all these dates are like back-to-back, and they're not. i'm just recounting them when i have time, and the idea to start a blog didn't hit me until recently. so there!)

japanese guy isn't actually japanese. he's a white, tall (like 6'4" tall), skinny, nerdy guy. if you're detecting a pattern, it's because there is one. i most definitely have a type. anyway, we decide to go for coffee, also at tim's. japanese guy drives a japanese fire truck, built by honda. i shit you not. the thing is bright red and totally old school looking. the driver sits on the right hand side of the car. since the truck is so badass, we decide to take a page from one of my winnipeg friends and go on a drive to nowhere. neither of us have been to langdon (it's not that special) so off we go. i'm pretty stoked to be in this badass red firetruck type thing. apparently it can't go faster than 100 kms, and it reminds you of such when you reach that speed with a really loud beeping noise. awesome. anyone who knows me knows how much i love driving slowly.

so we're talking, and talking, and talking and driving and driving and driving, and i'm thinking that it's going pretty well. my coffee is finished, and by this point we're back in calgary driving down 16th ave. he keeps talking about japan, though. and as fascinated as i am by japanese culture, it's just not something that i'm able to talk at any length about. i find people who stick to one topic fairly irritating, especially when the topic is one that both people aren't able to participate in. we end up sitting in the firetruck overlooking the city. it's a lovely night.

eventually he drops me off at my car, and we agree to hang out again. we get to do so one more time.

now, i'm pretty perceptive 99% of the time - although lately, my douche filter has been a little off. (i've enlisted the help of a magician for my own personal safety - she knows who she is) japanese guy and i agree to meet for dinner on a tuesday. monday night, i text asking if we're still on. "i sure hope so," he replies. tuesday afternoon, i text to make a plan. i get a short response: "actually, i forgot i had to work so i'm going to have to cancel." uhhhh huh.

"haha, are you just not that into me?" i teasingly text back. "i have to tell you something. it's too long to text. i'll send you an email." no word of a lie - this is his response.

i'm going to copy the email verbatum into this blog entry, because to summarize would simply not do it justice. keep in mind when you read it that we've gone on two dates at this point. absolutely not serious.

Sorry for being distant.
THere is actually a good reason and I do feel badly for it. I had mentioned to you that I speak to someone from Japan every morning. Actually the person in Japan is a woman I have been dating for more than year. I enjoyed being with you, but I am ridden with guilt about my actions. I am sorry.

It is really good to be able to speak with someone who gets all the stupid little internet references I do and has an awesome sense of humor, but at the end of the day, I am commited to someone else.

I have spoken to my girlfriend about this, and things are rough but fixable. There is no excuse for my actions and I know I was not fair to either of you.Please accept my sincere apologies. I let bad judgment get the better of me.

yep. that's what he wrote.

so now i feel bad for being "the other woman" despite my complete ignorance to such a standing. he's a dumbass for telling her, and i honestly hope she kicks him to the curb. any man willing to join a dating site while he has a girlfriend, long distance or otherwise, is up for the douche of the year prize.

le sigh!

sweet ass firetruck, tho.

the politician

sometimes you just click with someone. you barely know them, and yet you feel as if you've met before. i am not one to believe in reincarnation or past lives, so i'll try not to allude to them when i describe this feeling. but when you meet people that you can connect with so quickly, it's hard to keep the walls up.

the politician is brilliant. he is far more intelligent than i could hope to be, and he graduated from the same program at mount royal. he has interesting stories and experiences. and he has sparkling blue eyes. i'm sold. we talk for hours. we text all day. the more we talk, the more i'm sold.

the date itself was unremarkable in location and event - a simple beer at a pub in kensington. by the third sip, it's apparent that my walls are slipping. he's quirky. there are no awkward pauses, and the silences that exist are filled with smiles and gentle touches. halfway through, he gets a text from a friend checking on how his date is going. he makes a star trek reference. i don't think i've laughed so hard in ages.

i figure out how i know the politician. he's me, in male form. it's cliche to say, but the kiss makes my toes tingle and the butterflies in my stomach disappear. it feels so absolutely right.

right?

and here's where the harsh reality slaps me upside the head for being so willing to be swept off my feet.

the next night, we're talking on msn and he blurts, "so, i got a call from my ex today and she wants to get back together. i'm so confused."

my heart sinks. the walls begin to rebuild themselves, brick by brick. i can feel it happening.

"oh." i say. i refuse to compete. i have no ex boyfriends in my life that i would consider getting back together with - so i have no way to relate to the feeling.

"i feel like a jerk." he says. "but i still want to be friends."

there's a sentence that really doesn't require a response. i'm mostly glad that he feels like a jerk, because rejection never feels amazing. in theory, i think that we could be friends. he's still brilliant and i enjoy surrounding myself with brilliance.

the thing holding me back from a desire to form a friendship is the fact that he chose another woman over exploring me. i deserve better than that.

and i realize for the first time in a long time that i can actually say with confidence that i do deserve better than that. i deserve someone who can look at me and fall madly in love, not looking out for the next best thing. i deserve that. i. deserve. that.

yup, feels pretty awesome to be able to say that and mean it.

so good luck in life, politician. i mean that too.

wednesday guy

i usually pride myself on being able to filter the guys that i talk with online before i meet them in person. you can usually tell after a few conversations if you're going to be able to stand being near them for any period of time in person. i have learned, though, that some people are adept at masking themselves, only to show their true colors after a first meet.

wednesday guy and i met for coffee at tim horton's. my first clue that something was off should've been when he admitted that he didn't really drink coffee and ordered a chocolate milk. i'm not entirely sure what grown man drinks chocolate milk at any time other than in the comfort of his own living room, but whatever, i went with it.

i'd been talking to wednesday guy for quite awhile online, and i was really into him. or the him that he had presented to me. we sat in my car and talked for awhile, and at that inevitable moment of awkward silence, he leans over for a kiss. i don't object.

and then....

he bites me.

like, hard.

on the neck.

i pull back in shock. have i met a vampire? he's grinning, like i'm supposed to be instantly turned on. the moment is ruined. i'm now faced with a real problem - do i ask him to leave? do i slap him? do i get out of the car? wait, it's my car. i shouldn't have to get out of the car. thoughts race through my head. i'm not the best at hiding my feelings, and i'm sure my disgust was written all over my face. he mutters something and then leaves. i drive home. i ignore his texts.

and it got me to wondering - first of all, who was the girl that enjoyed his biting so much that he managed to somehow get the impression that it was a good idea for all women? what sort of kinky shit was she into? and secondly, at what point do you confess your weird fetishes to the other party? i mean, had it ever been brought up that he was into biting, my immediate response would have been, "reaaaally don't like being bitten." i believe in honesty, above all things. so a simple conversation could've avoided the annoyance. then again, there's also the idea that some things shouldn't be shared right away.

i feel like i should be creating a checklist here. question 1: do you have any sort of weird sexual fetishes that you're going to be busting out and blindsiding me with on the first date? if yes, proceed to the door.

sunday guy

there comes a time after every relationship's end that you brush yourself off and decide that there has to be another guy out there for you. sometimes this happens entirely too soon and you're still a brokenhearted mess. unfortunately for probably everyone involved, this happened sooner rather than later for me.

i looked in the mirror one morning and thought of two things.

firstly, i needed to really invest in waterproof mascara because the raccoon look was just not doing it for me. the second thought was that if there is one person in a million that you can connect with on a deeper level, well, that means that there are 6000 people that you could conceivably connect with on this planet. so damnit, i'm going to find one.

sunday guy messaged me first, which is always a good boost for the ol' self esteem. immediately i'm struck by his geekiness. generally, i'm drawn to geeky men because they tend to be more intelligent and i have more in common with them. he talks a bit too much about computers, and i have to consistantly remind him that i have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. we talk for awhile on msn, and agree to meet for a date.

i'd forgotten how it felt to have those butterflies pop up in your stomach as you're getting ready for a date. it was nice to be excited about something again. we meet for coffee at a starbucks (minus two points when he's bought & paid for his own coffee before i get there!) and sit down to chat. i bring christmas cookies to show my domestic side. i have no idea why.

there's no funny or horrific end to this one - those stories will come later, my friends.

i just wanted to explain this one because he is key in my recovery. he looked at me with those dark eyes, and i could tell immediately that he found me beautiful. and even though i knew in the back of my heart that i was nowhere near able to be the girlfriend that he deserves, i appreciated that he tried and supported me when the tears would still come randomly. he is a beautiful soul through and through and will make one lucky girl very happy someday.

/mush.

the background.

november 28, 2009.
the life that i had been building came crashing to a halt, when a catalyst of diamond earrings, bad weather, and birthday celebrations gone awry ended the relationship i had spent the better part of two years in. not here to lay blame, all i will say on the matter was that it destroyed me for a good solid month. we're talking tears at random moments, nausea when it came time to look at him or talk to him, and finally a peaceful calm when the last of his stuff was removed from my house.

anyone who has loved someone fiercely can attest to the introspection that occurs after the love has faded. questions of self worth and what went wrong swirl through your head at an almost dizzying pace. in the end, though, you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and realize that the only person who can ever judge you is you.

i signed on to online dating (plentyoffish in particular) when i was semi-ready to get back on the horse. now, online dating is something i've tried before and had some successes with. people always say that it's better to meet friends of friends, but most of my lovely friends are in committed serious relationships and tend to hang out with other couples in committed serious relationships. threesomes, while kinky, are really not condusive to good dates for the most part! so, off i went into the world of online dating.

this blog will henceforth be my accounts of said online dating adventures, because honestly, there have been some doozies.