living in my head is far more entertaining than one would think.

what do i want?
what...do...i...want?
this blog used to be so much easier to write when i had a funny story to convey. life has been far less hilarious lately.

i don't mean that to be depressing, because it isn't. i would much prefer normality to being bitten in a car randomly or being told that someone is taking a vow of personal celibacy. i really would. half of me kind of wants to drop that dude a line and ask how his celibacy is going.

i feel as though someone spun me around in a bunch of circles, let me fall over a bunch of times and then when i finally recovered, they just pushed me in a random direction. (this is obviously a lame analogy if you know me at all, but that's neither here nor there) so as i'm stumbling about, gathering my bearings... i find that i'm nowhere close to where i started and nowhere close to anyone else. it's kind of lonely over here.

i'm surrounded by people who have their lives together. two of the people i adore most in the world are happily married and are planning babies in the next few years. damn near everyone on my ball team this year had kids under 2. and i'm nowhere near there yet.

and y'know, i know i shouldn't compare myself to others. i know that. i do. promise.

hrm. this was supposed to help me. i just feel worse now. rawr. ok, carry on.

*dusts this thing off*

...hello? hello...? anyone out there? is this thing still on?

oh good.

because i need it to be.

so, the last entry ended all warm & fuzzy, didn't it? yeah, it did. i was very sincerely hoping for my happily ever after. on paper, it was perfect.

ah, but therein lies the rub. nothing's perfect. least of all me. and i'm not sure if my head or my heart sabotaged this one, but here i am today feeling like a giant jerk about the whole situation. i can't quite put my finger on it. he's beautiful. he's sweet. he'll treat me like a princess. and yet, it wasn't what i wanted.

so, the question remains: what do i want?

fuck if i know.